151 days, 3,624 hours, 217,440 minutes

Today is yet another mile marker. Today marks 5 whole months I have been without you. 5 months of being in this world alone. 5 months of questions, 5 months of struggles, 5 months of a heartache that never stops hurting. I came across an old post on Facebook that I had posted in 2011 of a Jason Aldean song that we loved and it couldn't be more perfect. 

"This might be the heartache that don't stop hurting

It just keeps working on me
It just keeps picking on me
And this might be the tears that keep on falling
They won't stop coming on down
They won't stop raining on down
And baby it's too early to know for certain
But this might be the heartache that don't stop hurting"

Missing you just as much today sweetie as the morning I let go of your hand for the last time. The days pass and some days I still feel like a zombie just walking through this life. I wake up alone in bed when I can't sleep and roll over to your side and the tears just creep out of my eyes. I look around and see all our friends and family getting engaged, married, starting families and it still hits me just as hard. We won't be doing those things together like we always planned. Some days I still don't understand, other days I don't try to, and some days in between I am too angry to care. Every day is a roller coaster of emotions and most days I just want to get off the coaster. Some days I want to curl into my introvert hole and shut the world out. I am trying to have fewer of those days but they still do come. That really hit me this week at my new job orientation when I noticed I was being extra introverted. I thought about it and realized that it was because I was scared. I didn't want anyone to make small talk with me and ask the usual questions of "How old are you? Are you married? Do you have kids?" I don't know how to answer those. I don't think I can handle the looks when I give them my answers. I opened my planner and wrote my schedule and saw the sticker placed on today that read "5 months." I was hoping no one would see it and ask me about it. I've found myself going into a shell. I hope I will eventually be able to open up and share my journey with my new coworkers but I am just not ready yet. I passed by one of your nurses from the ICU yesterday morning on the metro rail. It took everything in me to keep the tears back. I know you made sure she didn't see me to protect me honey. I pass by the hospital where we spent 23 days of our lives each day now on my way to work and I can't even look out the window. 5 months later and the cut is still as deep and painful as day 1. Missing you always my angel. That smile is the last thing I think about when I go to sleep at night and the first thing I wish I could see when I open my eyes in the morning. Trying to find a little more hope as each day passes knowing that you wouldn't want anything less for me. 

I had always thought the hardest thing would be when I was forced to let go of your hand and leave the hospital. I am learning that it is every day after that is harder. Slowly trying to figure out how to live without you by my side. It's a strange concept I haven't had to deal with since before I was 15 years old but each day I try to learn a little more. I love you handsome please stay close to me and continue to show me signs you are still here with me and watching over me always. 

Our Greatest Calling

I came across this quote and couldn't help but sit back and reflect upon what it meant to me. I currently sit here studying for an exam for my new job I had mentioned earlier in the blog. I think to myself how did I get to this place? I have accepted what I have always considered to be my dream job. This could be my calling? This could be Gods greater plan for my life. Once again I will say that I liked my old plan but maybe somehow this one will be better? At this moment in my grief process I highly doubt it but I am relying on God as he has taken me this far already. Approaching the 5 month mark this weekend and it seems like tragedy struck just yesterday. I feel some days I am back in the guest bed of my parents house covered in tears the morning I came back from the hospital for the last time and other days I feel I can see the hope and see the light at the end of this struggle. Some days are good and some days are bad but at the end of each day I try to remind myself that this is Gods will and his plan. I will trust him and know he works for all things good and beautiful. Keeping this quote close to me as I venture off into this new job journey and will remember that this immense pain could just be the beginning of my calling in this life. Just thought I would share a little ray of hope for those who are also struggling with the common question of "what am I supposed to gain from this?" I still try to figure out Gods plan but ultimately I will not know the answer to that what am I supposed to gain question until I am able to meet him face to face. And I pray that when that day comes I will be able to get on my knees and tell him thank you. Until then I will continue to chase the calling he has for me to help make the pain worthwhile.

  

Fireworks

As I lay in my bed tonight on July 4th I see dozens of fireworks lighting up the night sky. I think of all the 4th of July's we spent together and how you knew how much I absolutely loved fireworks. I had always told John how magical I thought they were. He always would laugh at me when my face lit up just watching them. He said I was like a little girl on Christmas watching them. As I lay here tonight with our dogs glued to me,  I wonder to myself if you are watching the fireworks too? It's like when I look outside and see the moon and think of how everyone here sees the very same moon no matter where they are on Earth. Something just makes me think you are up there watching the fireworks with me right now. As much as I wish we were curled up on a blanket watching them light up the sky above us, I can feel that you are watching them with me still from Heaven. You are the firework in my life honey. You brought so much happiness into my life and you truly lit up any room you were in. So tonight honey let's watch the fireworks together. Distance may separate us but at night it's the same sky that we see. So look down on me tonight and let's enjoy the fireworks. Missing you always and forever my love. I love you. 

New beginning

I am proud to announce that I have accepted a new job. I have accepted a nursing job in a level III NICU. It will be extremely challenging and I am so nervous about starting. I have always wanted to work in an environment like that and had planned to one day but always put the plans of being a wife and mom first. Since becoming engaged to John the goals on the forefront of my mind have been being a good wife, growing our family, and raising our children. My goals are very different now and I am still trying to figure out what my goals include. I want to find a purpose for myself again. My purpose is no longer being a wife and creating what I am sure what would have been the most beautiful Ortega babies. I want to find something to set goals for and to grow myself as a person and as a nurse. I want to move from this stagnancy that has become my life. In church we have been doing a series called "unstuck." Some days I feel very stuck in life. I wake up, go to work, come home, there isn't much change day to day. This is my way of getting myself unstuck. I am determined to move forward and create change and a challenge for myself. This is the exact challenge I need for myself. I am beyond excited to begin this new journey. I prayed a lot about this opportunity before accepting. I very much love the people I work with currently and it will be painful to leave them but I know the relationships that I have grown while there will continue outside of work and continue to grow. I am excited for the new challenges and education I will receive. I can now throw myself completely into this new career   This is the time in my life when I can be completely selfish and think about only myself. Since I was 15 almost all my choices involved Johnathon as a factor. Now they still do but in a different way. It isn't how will this choice affect him? Its more of will this make him smile? Will this make him proud? And I think the answer to all of these for this new choice is yes. I know he is proud I am following my dreams and I know he will be there watching me and cheering me on from Heaven. He always was one to continue to push me to achieve all that I could. So honey, I hope you are smiling down on me and I hope I continue to make your proud as I journey through this life and as I take my first steps on this newest journey. So here's to the magic of new beginnings. 

Finally With Your Baby

Today in 2000 a very special woman was taken to the Lord. On this day every year John and I would make ice cream sundaes and celebrate your life. John would share all his favorite memories and I would dream of what our relationship would be like. I would think about if you would have liked my wedding dress. I would wonder if you would like me. I would wonder the kind of meals you would teach me to cook. I would wonder all sorts of things. On this day I would watch John for once become very introverted. I know today this year is very different. This year you are spending today with your baby and he is with his mom. Today you are in his arms instead of only in his heart. Today he is home. As broken as I am it makes the hurt easier to bear knowing that he is with you. There is no one in this world that I would rather have my baby be with than the woman who created him. I know there is no one that could ever take care of him better than you, myself included. As my tears fall I know that John no longer has to have his fall over how much he misses you. I know he is right where he belongs and with a woman who loves him equally as much as I do. Please hold my baby close and know that I am so happy you are back together. I am absolutely crushed that he is not with me, but I know one day we will all be able to meet and we will spend eternity together. Until that day, I will continue to celebrate your life today. I will recall all the memories John shared with me about you and the amazing woman that you are. I will send thanks to you for blessing me with the most incredible gift anyone could ever receive and that is true love. It is a love that I know John learned from you and his dad. It is a love that some search their whole lives for and I was blessed enough to find it at 15 just like you and his dad did. Thank you Evelyn from the bottom of my heart. Enjoy today with your baby. Hold him close, kiss him, and smile. He is home. 15 years you have been away from your baby and now you can spend eternity together.