This House is not a Home

My love,

I sit here writing this post in the home I once shared with you my love. I sit here on a new king sized mattress that you would have said still wasn't enough bed for the both of us plus our fur babies. I sit here in tears....

Today I moved back into the house I always thought would become our home and the place we started a beautiful family in. Now it is just a house. It is not a home without you in it. It is simply a brick box with windows, rooms, and walls covered in pictures of two smiling people. I do not know the girl in those photos anymore. I am a completely different person now. I would give anything in this world to be that girl in the pictures, that girl with the beaming smile, the one with her hand in the hand of a man who she loves with all her being, the girl with big plans for a future filled with love, children, and dreaming beside a man who stole her heart. But that girl is gone. She disappeared with you when you left. I am now a girl who will forever have scars on her broken heart, a girl who is confused about what her future holds, a girl who sometimes feels lost in a world that all of a sudden seems so large.

I walked into the house tonight and sat on the floor of our bedroom. I looked around and could not help but be filled with emotions. I posted a quote one night when I could not sleep and it states "Missing you comes in waves and tonight I am drowning." I feel like that describes things perfectly tonight. I look around and see a bathroom where our dog would always steal your towel when you were in the shower and I think of all the times I sat in the bed and laughed when you would open the shower door to find your towel gone. I see our kitchen where you would make me pancakes and laugh at the fact that I could not make them to save my life (I would get egg duty...I will have to tell the whole story another time) I look at the front door that I know you will never walk through again. I see that bathroom that I would constantly yell at you for stinking up and not spraying, sorry if that was TMI but it was a topic of frequent conversation in the future Ortega household. I see the 'O' hanging on the wall of our living room reminding me that my last name is not Ortega and that my mail will never say that last name. I see the framed "Ortega Family EST 2015" print on the kitchen cabinet. I see the couch where I would often find you napping, snoring, and wonder what you were dreaming about. I sit in our room. The room that I was in when I got the news that forever changed my life. The call that something was terribly wrong. The room I paced in for hours wondering what could have happened to you and why you were not home. I sit in this room and miss you. I sit in this room and cry. I sit and miss you. I knew coming back to this house would be hard but I feel your presence so strongly here. I can close my eyes and feel you and that is all I need to know I am in the right place.

I remember sitting on the floor outside the ICU and telling my mom to call the realtor and put the house up for sale because there is no way I would ever go back to it. I remember my parents and your dad talking me out of it and telling me not to make any big decisions this quickly and that I needed to take some time and think about it and make it down the road. If I still wanted to sell it one year from then they would not stand in my way and they would let me. I remember thinking to myself how stupid is that? Why in the world would I ever want to go back to the house that I shared with the love of my life? Why would I want to be there without him? But I agreed. That night I went to sleep in the chair I spent 23 endless nights in. Before I fell asleep I prayed that God would reveal to me what he wanted. I prayed that you would help me to see what you wanted me to do. A few days later you left my arms to be in God's. That next day I needed some things from my house as I was going to move in with my parents because honestly I could not be alone. I knew that the first time I went back I would be able to know what I was going to do. I walked in and saw your shoes on the floor of the living room where you kicked them off the last day you were here after coming home from fishing. I saw your t-shirt on the bathroom floor from when you took a shower because I told you that you smelled like fish. I saw your pillow on the bed...and I did something surprising. I smiled. I could feel you here with me. I knew I needed to stay here. I smiled some more and then I saw the pile of wedding invitations I had just finished addressing the day before my world stopped. The smile quickly faded and the tears began to flow. This was more of the emotion I had expected. I cried as I ran my hand over the invitations, the address labels perfectly printed and white rose stamps placed in the corners. I cried as I walked into the guest room filled with things for our wedding, our custom monogram guest book sign, our sign in book for the ceremony filled with the most beautiful engagement pictures of us. I passed our pictures in the hall and saw your smile, and it made me smile. I went back to the house a few times throughout that first week and I smiled a little more each time. I knew I needed to stay. This was our home. This will forever be our home. I sit here typing this through blurred vision as the tears keep falling. I sit in our room and see our dogs snuggled up next to your pillow laying next to me and I smile. I know you can see it too and I know you are smiling too. I was told yesterday by my dad that I cannot be superwoman and was told again tonight by my mom. I am not superwoman. I am a girl trying desperately to get through each day while missing a large piece of myself. I will have nights like this and I will have days filled with similar emotions. I am sad. I won't hide that. I am human. If I had come back here and was not sad I think my parents would have me committed to a psych facility. Heck I may have committed myself! I miss you my love. I miss you every day. I miss you every night. Tonight will be a tough one. It will probably be one of the harder ones I face. But I know you will be here every moment of it. You will be in my dreams and you will be watching over me while I sleep. I love you with all I am honey. I always will. The bed will be lonely without you and I will be sleeping with your shirts and pillow so I can have your smell close to me. Good night my love. Meet you in my dreams really soon.

Love always and forever,
Your bed hog and pancake making failure
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

The view from our bed. That bottom one is your favorite picture that we took. It was a last minute one and it could not be more perfect. That smile in the top one is the one that stole my heart from the start. That smile is the one that my dreams are filled with.

The Dress

Today was supposed to be a special day for me. My wedding photographer had planned a little photo shoot with me to take some pictures in my wedding dress. It was supposed to be some pictures of me in my dress with some of John's things (his boots, my favorite dress shirt of his, things like that.) I knew it would be a hard thing for me to do but I wanted to do it. In a way I had thought I wanted him to see me in that dress. Even if he was in heaven looking down, I wanted him to see me in it.

Well, my mom had picked up my wedding dress a few weeks ago. They could not take it back because it had already been altered. At first I said I wanted to never see it and wanted it gone, just thinking about it was like pushing knives through my already broken heart. When my mom told me she picked it up I told her not to do anything with it and that I had an idea I wanted to run passed my photographer. My mom agreed and the dress was stored at my grandparents house until I needed it. My mom brought it to their house the other day as I told her about the photo shoot. Today I went to the guest bedroom where the light pink bag was laying on the bed. I opened the zipper and fell into a puddle of tears. I ran my hand over the intricate beadwork, lace, and stones. Flashbacks filled my head of the day I bought the dress, it was one of the happiest days of my life, next to the day I met John, and the day he got down on one knee and asked me to spend forever with him. My sister was here from Connecticut for our brother's wedding last May (2014) and I figured what better time to shop than while she is here because I wanted her to be apart of this moment. I went to the bridal shop with my friends and family (A LOT of them) and literally glowed the whole appointment. My face literally hurt from smiling so much. This was why I had watched "Say Yes to the Dress" on repeat for the past 4 months that we had been engaged. I was fully studied up on designers I liked and styles I wanted to try. I was on Pinterest pinning hundreds of dresses that I thought would be "The ONE." "The dress" was the very first one I tried on. It was absolutely stunning. It wasn't like anything I had ever seen on any wedding dress shows. It was classy, elegant, and romantic. It was everything I had ever dreamed of in a dress and more. The moment my consultant zipped me in I teared up as I stared at my reflection in the mirror of the fitting room. I felt like the most beautiful girl in the world. I knew John would absolutely love it. I tried on a few more and they simply did not make me feel the way that first one did. I was in love. As I looked at myself in the dress once more I pictured my handsome man standing at the end of the aisle on our special day (he would be crying of course). I had always joked with John that if he did not cry I would turn around and walk out of the church. I knew better. John, though he played it off as a touch guy was really emotional when it came the wedding. He always said he would cry and that I did not even have to worry about it. He always said that just knowing I was walking down that aisle as his fiancé and walking back as his wife was enough. I spent months hiding pictures of that dress and making sure John knew nothing about what it looked like. I would tell him it was long sleeved, black, with pink trim, and a turtleneck. John would always say I was a liar and that he already knew what it looked like. The first time he said that I almost burst into tears. He saw my face and grabbed my hand saying he was joking and he had no clue what it looked like but that he knew I would be gorgeous no matter what...but that it better not be a turtle neck. I kept the dress such a secret. I would not even show people a picture. I wanted the first time people saw it to be on the big day. Now that day is not coming and there is nothing more that I want than for my handsome man to see me in that dress. I just want to see what his face would look like. I had always told him my favorite part of wedding was watching the groom when the doors opened and the bride walked in. Now I will wait until the day I make it to Heaven with him. I hope his face is just as happy as it would be if I was walking down the aisle.

But back to today, as I sat there in my parents guest bedroom today with the dress in my hands I realized I am not ready to put it on. I still have a hard time believing that I will not be putting it on on May 9th and walking down the aisle to my happily ever after. I will not hear the words "I now pronounce you husband and wife." We will not walk into our reception and be introduced as the "New Mr. and Mrs. Ortega." Moments like this make the realization of John being gone so much more real. I had to text my photographer and tell her I couldn't do it. I am just not ready. It is days like this where the emotions go into overdrive and just consume me. The overwhelming sadness creeps in and reminds me that things will never be what I had planned for them to be. I will not be walking down the aisle in a matter of weeks. I will not be marrying the most handsome man in the whole world. I will not be starting a new chapter of my fairy tale filled with smiles, laughs, babies, and endless kisses. I will now be spending my time figuring out what a new "normal" is, trying to smile more, and figuring out who I am as a person. Figuring out this new "normal" is something that will take me a very long time. John has been my normal for the past 7.5 years. But each day that passes I try to get a little bit closer to that goal. I move back into the house that we shared tomorrow. I plan on bringing the dress home with me and finding a special place for it to hang in the closet. One day I may be ready to put it on and show it off to my angel in Heaven.

The Most Handsome Cowboy I Know,

Last night was truly something special my love. Our closest friends and family gathered at our favorite dance bar and celebrated the best thing ever....YOU! It was a time to be honest I was dreading. Mentally I did not think I would have lasted more than an hour, two hours max before having to call it a night and bursting into tears as I drove home. I made it the WHOLE night. Be proud of me sweetie. I know you are. You always got on my case about being an old lady and needing to be in bed by 9:30. Well you know what? I went to bed at 3:00 AM! I know that was a major victory in your eyes hun. I smiled last night more than I have in a long time. A friend of ours who I will keep private told me last night some things that truly spoke to me. She was the reason why I cried for only the second time last night. She told me when she sees me smile she sees you in me. She said that somehow I happen to glow and I told her that was you. I could not have been any happier to hear that. I strive to make you proud of me each day. I strive to live life the way you would. I strive to be more of the woman I know you would be proud to call yours. You make me the woman I am today handsome. You let your life shine through me and apparently other people notice it as well. I hope to continue to let this light shine through me. I was told it is a way of comforting those who miss you. I could not help but tear up listening to the things that she told me. I could tell how true and sincere they were and it made me feel absolutely amazing to hear those words. Part of me felt that you were partially behind the words she was speaking to me. I felt like you were telling me in way that you felt the same way she did about me and that made me feel so close to you. I feel truly honored to be her friend. Thank you sweetie for bringing her into my life. I hope she is reading this and knows how truly special the moment we had last night was to me.

Well babe I danced last night...I did promise to practice for you. Let's just say it was easier said than done and that I hope I have many, many, many more years to come to continue on my practicing, or maybe I need a private lesson or two or forty. I have never danced with anyone but you mostly and we had our ways about us. It was something that I loved so much the way you would glide me around the floor, me stepping on your toes every now and again but it was always perfect. I could always look in your eyes and just see the love you had for me. Dancing with you was some of the closest moments I had with you. You had such a way about you when you danced. I loved watching you, I loved being held by you as you pulled me close and sung sweet country love songs in my ear. I missed that last night. I always think back to a night we had in Dallas when we lived there for school where after washing dishes one night you grabbed my hand and we danced around the kitchen. Well you danced and I stumbled along with you. I laughed and you laughed and we spilled onto the living room couch in a laughing fit. And then you kissed me. And I told you its was moments like that that made me fall in love with you more and more. It was moments like that I would tell our babies about one day. I wish I could have had so many more barefoot kitchen dancing night sweetie. I will tell you thank you though for last night. I can honestly say that they did not play any of the songs we always danced to. I think I have you to thank for that and that somehow you were playing DJ from up there. I know you know how hard last night was for me and I have a feeling you had some pull in them not playing our wedding song, or "Texas Angel", or any of the countless Jason Aldean songs you so adorably sung to me in the car. Thank you for that sweetie. I always hate crying in public and I think I hid it pretty well last night. I was able to have fun...a word I rarely have been able to use and actually mean recently. I feel like I am learning slowly what fun is again. Of course it will never be the kind of fun I had with you by my side but its something new. I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who want nothing more than to have me smile and to bring fun back into my life. I hope I made you proud last night sweetie. I felt your presence with me. I just still wish I had your hand in mine and arm around my waist pulling me around that dance floor. I will admit I often found myself looking up and wondering if you could see me. I miss you so much sweetie. I would give anything in the world to have my dance partner back, my life partner back, but I know I cannot turn back time as much as I pray and hope I could.

I do however have to share a funny story. We all wore our #JSTRONG shirts to the bar. I was asked by a stranger if we were part of a church group and I had to laugh...well actually I did laugh...out loud. I looked at him and said "No my fiancé died and today is his birthday we had these shirts made for him when he was in the hospital." My friends and coworkers that were there looked at me with mouths wide open. They could not believe I just laid all that on this poor stranger. So sweetie please work on me to maybe give some people a break and not make strangers cry. Please help me to find a better way to explain to them. Bluntness is always something I have been too good at. But I am sure you got a laugh out of it and said "Yep that's my girl, never sugar coating anything" up there.

I hope you had a good birthday in Heaven my love. I know your mom has missed that gorgeous smiling face for too many years now. I have never been very good at sharing but I do not mind sharing her with you love. I know she will take good care of you and make sure you are in good hands, even if they aren't mine. I will keep practicing my two step for you, even though I think I was better at the waltz when it came to not stepping on your feet. I will work on both of them for you ok? I want to blow you away with my mad dance skills when we meet again one day sweetheart. Missing you and loving you more and more as each day passes. Meet me in my dreams tonight and cowboy take me away :)

Love always and forever,
Your Monkey

I read this and could not help but think this is so true. I will continue to dance with that limp sweetie. My heart will forever be broken and part of me will always hurt but I promise you I will keep dancing. I will keep living this life sweetie. I know you wish nothing more for me. I will dance and make you proud (well probably more embarrassed by my ACTUAL dancing but you get the point)

Happy Birthday My Angel

Dear John,

Today is your birthday my love. I would say Happy Birthday but honestly it is the saddest birthday yet for me...I am here alone and you are far away. I will not be getting you a cake, I will not be signing you the BEST rendition of Happy Birthday ever (lol), or wrapping your presents, or watching your smile whenever you open it (because half the time you have picked it out lol.) I will not be making jokes that you are an old man and that now I have to start looking for a newer model. I will be sad. I woke up with a numbness that I had not felt in some time. A numbness that I remembered praying that I would feel when I was so tired of all the feeling that I had been doing. I used to pray Lord make me numb so I do not have to hurt. I felt that numbness this morning and thought about it for awhile. I do not want to be numb. I want to feel. Numb will not get me anywhere. It will not give me any forward progress. I need to feel. I know the feelings I will be feeling today will be of utter sadness and a brokenness that becomes that much more real on days and occasions like today. But feeling is something I need to do.

 I spent the morning with our family and friends eating at your favorite Papa Mex. I ordered my usual and thought to myself what you would say because I only ordered one taco instead of my usual three. I looked around and saw bacon, egg, and cheese tacos on another table and cried. Here I am sitting in a restraint full of people crying over a taco...I look up and see your dad. He sees my tears. Moments later he comes to sit with me. His words always speak right to my heart. He knows exactly how I am feeling today. For those who do not know, John lost his mom when he was 10 years old. It has almost been 15 years she has been gone. She was his dad's world, his everything, his true love. I have spoken in great detail with your dad about my feelings because I know of all the people I know he can understand my feelings probably better than I can some days. I sit at the table this morning and look down at my ring. For the first time all morning the sun is shining and it gleams off my ring just right. The rain has been pouring down most of the morning. It was a dark and gloomy day, it matched my feelings just perfectly. Then, looking at my ring and seeing it sparkle in the sun I thought of you. You had always told me you thought of your mom when you heard the song "Holes in the Floor of Heaven." That song began to play in my mind this morning. My best friend often jokes and tell me when its storming and pouring that John must be really missing me today. I would like to think she is right. I woke up missing you so much love. The rain pouring down outside, the tears pouring down my face. Then I saw that gleaming diamond you placed on my finger as a promise of your love to me and the sun came out...I do not believe in coincidence anymore. I feel that every small moment in the day means something. I like to see many of them as signs from you. I looked up from the ring on my hand and looked around the restaurant. I see all these people gathered in your name, here to celebrate you. I think of the smile you have on your face watching all these people gathered talking and eating, two of your favorite things. I hear jokes about the Rockets and Mavericks and think of how you and your cousin would be going back and forth for hours about the game last night and how somehow bets would have become involved. That sunshine was a sign that yes you missed me but you wanted me to smile. So that is what I did. I smiled. Then I began to tear up again, but I smiled. It was a genuine smile not one of the many fake ones I try to put on in public so people do not think I am a psych patient who escaped the center. As much as I fell in love with your smile, you always told me how much you loved mine. You would tickle me until I literally would pee just to see my smile. You told me no matter what you just wanted to make me smile. So thank you for making me smile this morning baby. And thank you for not involving tickles to get me there. I miss you. Most days it feels like I miss you more each day. My heart hurts just as much as the day I was forced to leave the hospital after you passed away. It took 2 hours to get me out of your bed and release your hand from mine. My heart feels just as broken as it did then. But yet I still smile. I know behind each smile you are there. Each day I will hurt, each day I will still feel broken. I will be broken in some aspect for the rest of my life. I lost a large part of me when I lost you. I will never get that part back until we are back together again. But today is about you my love, not about me. Today I will smile because I know you want me to, I will dance because I know you want me to (and partially because I know you want to watch me step on someone else's toes for once), and I will love you with all that I am today and every day after because I know you are in heaven doing the same things for me. I have no gift this year no fancy wrapped present. I have myself and a promise. This year my love I promise that you have my heart. I promise that I will continue to love you more and more each day. I promise to smile each day because I know you want me to. I promise that I will be the best person I can here and make you as proud as I possibly can. I promise that I am wholly and eternally yours. I know it is not an XBOX (but I did get you one for Christmas), it isn't season Rocket's tickets, it is all I have and it is all of me. You have it. I love you with every inch of my being sweetie and I will continue to do so for the rest of my lifetime here. You are my world who just does not happen to be on this world with me. I hope your mom is taking the best care of you up there and making you an amazing birthday cake. Celebrate you today my love because you are truly the most amazing person I have ever been blessed with meeting. I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world to have the most handsome angel in heaven all to myself. Keep waiting for my handsome.

 

You may not have been my official husband. But your dad put it perfectly at your service. The ceremony was for the family and friends who loved us. When you got down on one knee and asked me to be your wife, that moment right there we were joined as husband and wife. We promised at that moment to love and cherish one another forever. I may not have the Ortega last name but and Ortega has my heart and I have his.

I love you,
your Monkey
xoxoxoxoxoxox

Little Moments

Today I spent my afternoon at the house that Johnathon and I planned to build a family in, build memories in, the home we planned to begin our happily ever after in. I always tell people it is the smallest things that get me the hardest. I am moving back into our house in the next week. I feel like I am ready. I feel close to him when I am there and I know a part of him will always be in that house. It isn't a home without him, it is merely just a house. But I feel him there and when I feel him it is more a home than ever. It is now the home I will build memories in, the home I will achieve dreams in, the home I will be comforted by, the home I will accomplish things that will make my handsome angel smile. Because Lord I love that smile. Today I cleaned out the pantry and reorganized (one of the traits John loved me so much for....NOT). He would say I had a romantic relationship with my label maker but that is a whole other story. As I cleaned out the pantry I tossed a bunch of stuff that I knew I would never use, then I got to the Fruit Roll-ups. I had been grocery shopping the morning of the Sunday when everything began. I asked John what he wanted me to pick up and he told me he was dying for Fruit Roll Ups. So trying to get some wifely points I picked some up for him as well as more apple juice because that man could put down the apple juice. I sat cleaning the pantry and just stared at those roll ups. Then the tears came flowing. How could I be crying over some fruit squished into a roll? Then I saw the apple juice sitting on the floor with the other juices and sodas and such. The tears kept coming. I know I will never eat those roll ups but they remain in the pantry as well as the apple juice. It is the smallest things like that that can just pull my heart strings and open those tear flood gates. The poor people at the grocery store...I am sure I will have a few meltdowns there over the course of my lifetime.

Songs are the worst for me....John and I LOVED country music. I can remember a memory for almost any song on country radio. The most special one, our wedding song. I have yet to listen to it since John has passed away. I played it for the last time the morning he passed away. He took his last breath 5 minutes after it ended. That was the last time I have heard the words he was so proud of. I will never forget the night we picked that song. We had been toying with multiple songs trying to find just the right one. In terms of the wedding planning John pretty much let me do whatever I wanted. He had very few things that he wanted to have an opinion on. Two of them included the suits and our song. He came home one night and I was laying in bed watching yet another episode of "Say Yes to the Dress." He hit mute on the TV and plugged his phone into the radio in our room. He said "I found it. This is what I want our song to be. I think it describes us perfectly." The song began and Chris Young's voice began singing. I listened as John sung it to me like he always used to do. Of course he made it quite a dramatic performance lol but it was perfect.

"I've been a rolling stone all my life
Flying all alone, flying blind
I've seen it all, I've been around
I've been lost and I've been found

But who I am with you is who I really wanna be
You're so good for me
And when I'm holdin' you, it feels like I've got the world in my hands
Yeah, a better man is who I am with you

I've got a ways to go on this ride
But I got a hand to hold that fits just right
You make me laugh, you make me high,
You make me wanna hold on tight

'Cause who I am with you is who I really wanna be
You're so good for me
And when I'm holdin' you, it feels like I've got the world in my hands
Yeah, a better man is who I am with you
Who I am with you

Because of you I'm a lucky man
You're the best part of who I am

Who I am with you is who I really wanna be
You're so good for me
And when I'm holdin' you, it feels like I've got the world in my hands
Yeah, a better man is who I am with you

Yes, who I am with you."

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Je_24df8BZs

When the song finished John told me that is how he felt. What he did not know is that though this song may be about a man's love for his woman, but John made me the woman I want to be. He is the polar opposite of me in almost every aspect, but in all the important ones we are just the same. We knew how we wanted to raise our kids, how we wanted to spend our money, and how important our families are to us. He may not be here physically but he is still helping me become the woman I want to be. With him in my heart and by my side I will continue through this life with the goal of becoming the best woman I can be. I still have not been able to listen to that song and I have a feeling it will be a good amount of time before I will be able to. Especially with our wedding date coming up quickly. Maybe that will be the day I will listen to it...I am not sure. But I will continue to play that memory of him singing it to me all the time. When we would go out dancing he would always request it. If he heard it come on he would grab my hand no matter if I was in the middle of a conversation with someone or not and we would dance. He would sing it to me in my ear and hold me close. We would two step around the dance floor and I would fall more and more in love with the man holding me. If it came on in the car he would reach for my hand and always remind me that was our song and that soon we would be dancing to it as husband and wife. That day may no longer be in my near future but my cowboy will sweep me off my feet one day when I am back with him in Heaven and we will dance together again...hopefully I will be a little better at not stepping on his toes by then. Until then cowboy, keep waiting for me love. I will practice for my lifetime here so I can be just perfect when I am back in your arms again.

Tomorrow is Johnathon's birthday. I am sure I will be an emotional disaster all day, but I think that is to be expected. I know how John would want to spend his birthday because we usually spent the together. My birthday is April 8th and his is the 25th so we usually always got together with friends and family for both our birthdays. This year we were planning to do the same thing that we did last year and spend it at Midnight Rodeo dancing and having a couple drinks with the people we love the most. So tomorrow that is just what I will be doing. There is nothing more he would want from myself and the people who love him the most than to dance, sing, and drink a few drinks to celebrate him. I know my heart will be hurting but I know that is what he would want me to be doing. I know the songs will be hard for me to listen to but I know you will help keep me strong honey. I know I will feel you close to me. I am so glad you get to spend your birthday with your mom tomorrow my love. I know she has missed so many since she passed. I am sure she can make you a WAY better cake than I could. Loving you always and forever my sweet cowboy angel. I will practice my dancing tomorrow for you my love.

Good Night. Sweet Dreams. Or Maybe Not...

Hello there 2:00am. Me and this time have become very good friends. I usually wake up around this time every day I am not working. For those who don't know. I work in the nursery at my hospital as a registered nurse. I also work nights so usually my nights are spent with tiny humans and not the current situation of not so tiny dachshunds stealing my entire queen sized bed. I said the other day that some nights are hard and others are harder. This is the absolute truth. The nights are the worst. You can be as busy as a bee all day long and then night comes and here you are alone in your bed with nothing but your thoughts. My brain does not seem to have an off switch lately. It also tends to like working the most at this lovely hour of 2am hence why I am currently typing his at that hour. I have been struggling with anxiety attacks at night. I have been told it's very common. I'm a nurse and I had no clue those were even possible. I am sleeping how can I be having panic attacks?! But nevertheless I would awake with sweats, a heart beating a mile a minute, beating so hard I could hear and feel it in my ears, and chest pain. I literally woke up the first time and thought yep here I go. I'm having s heart attack and will die right here (a little dramatic but hey it was 2am.) So if you are going through the same thing know it's normal. I have a wonderful doctor who answers all my silly "Am I normal?" questions. But back to the nights being difficult. They really are. I spent 23 nights curled in a chair in the corner of johnathons room. I thought those nights were hard. They were simply just hard on my back. It was simply physical pain. The nights now are emotionally painful. I always told Johnathon how much I hated sleeping alone. I work nights so I would sleep during the day a lot. Most of the time I would be alone on these days. I always used to tell john that I just sleep better when you're here..it was partially the truth. John was the WORST snorer of all time. Literally the worst snorer on the face of the planet. He put freight trains to shame. So other than waking up all the time from his snoring just having him physically laying next to me made me feel so safe. Now I spend my nights clenched to the edge of the bed because our lovely weenie dogs take up the whole bed. John, honey I now know how you felt. John would always tell me I was the worst person to sleep with. I apparently sleep at a diagonal and take up most of the bed. He would always ask "How can such a small girl take up this much of a bed? It just doesn't make any sense!" Throw in two weenie dogs who also sprawl and you are left with about 10% of the bed for john who is not a small guy by any means. So thanks babe now I am feeling your pain as I cling to the edge of the bed and attempt to my fall out nightly. But after hearing some stories from other people's journeys with grief night anxiety is apparently very common.  I have tried it all. Reading books, watching boring infomercials, listening to relaxing music. Nothing helps. So I end up talking to John. It's funny because I used to wake up with bad dreams early in our relationship and I would call him and he would talk to me until I got sleepy again and fell back asleep. I guess even though not here he's still taking care of me in that way.  If you have any other ways to help please feel free to let me know. I feel it has gotten better but with the wedding coming up quickly and johns birthday next weekend I have a feeling the anxiety will be back with vengeance. So there's my early morning blab for today. Luckily this morning my love helped me back to sleep. He knows I have a big day at work today. That man promised to take care of my forever not just for life and he is excelling in keeping that promise. Love you always my love!

Once Upon a Time...But Not So Happily Ever After

For those of you who do not know me or my story here it goes. It starts with "Once upon a time" like most fairy tales. It does not however have the fairy tale ending I imagined. I met Johnathon when I was 15 and he was 17. We went to the same high school and met at my best friends birthday party in October 2007. I instantly could not keep my eyes off him. He had this amazing charm about him. And his smile....that smile is what stole my heart instantly. It is a smile that won countless arguments over the course of our 7.5 year relationship. We started officially dating in November 2007. November 28, 2007 to be exact. He walked me to my computer class and told me he wanted to wait until the end of the week (it was only Wednesday at this point) but that he could not wait and he asked me to be his girlfriend. He then politely asked if he could kiss me. That was our first kiss. It was perfect.

This is the first picture of us together in 2007. It has always been one of my absolute favorites.

The dating continued for lots of years (some days it felt like decades) and we ended up getting engaged January 25, 2014. It was a perfect moment. I will post about it later I am sure. Never would I have imagined exactly one year from that day my life would be turned upside down. One of the last text messages I had sent John was "Happy one year engage-iversary. I can't wait to be your wife. I love you." Without sharing all the details Johnathon did not come home one night after leaving to go play in a poker tournament and after searching, countless phone calls, and panic attacks, it was learned he had pulled over after leaving thempoker tournament and had a seizure. It was many hours before he was found. Sitting in the ER we learned he had a brain bleed caused by hypertension. He was non responsive, on a ventilator, and being transferred to the medical center for more specialized care. This was January 26, 2015 at 6:00am. 23 days later my world ended. Johnathon passed away early in the morning on February 18th. My entire world had been shattered and I had lost my soul mate, my best friend, the man who makes me whole. The world seemed constantly dark and I felt completely alone even in a room filled with people who loved and cared for me. I could be surrounded by millions and still only long for one of them to hold my hand, to dry my tears, and to hold me in the way he did that made all my worries vanish. But that person was not here. He was not going to be able to do any of those things. He was in Heaven with his mom. He was in my heart. He was home.

That day will forever be the most tragic day in my life. I felt as if I had lost it all and some days that feeling creeps back. Hopelessness is how I like to describe it best. I felt completely hopeless. At that point I lost all care for anything. I had no clue what I was going to do with myself, with my future, with our home, with my broken heart. Some days I still do not know. But I am learning to take each day as it comes and focus less on what the future holds. My goal is get through each day. For anyone who knew me before this you would know a day by day person is NOT me. I have each day, each hour, each minute, every last second of my life planned out and written in my favorite color coded Erin Condren planner (that Johnathon hated with all he was.) He was the one who lived each minute for what it was. He had not a worry in the world as to what the future would hold. When I say we were polar opposites I could not be anymore truthful. The man hardly knew what he would be eating for lunch that day let alone what he would be doing in 10 years. All he would tell me was that he would be my husband and the father of our children and that was all that mattered to him. I now live each day still with my color coded Erin Condren planner (sorry John) but focusing less of what November holds and more on what does today hold? I knew he would have had a fit when I ordered a new one after his passing. The one I had was monogrammed with Mrs. Ortega and was filled with dates for ordering wedding things, to do lists, budgets, dress fittings. After his passing I could not even see it without bursting into tears. I ordered a new one and still filled in our monthly anniversaries, our wedding day, our birthdays. The dress fittings were gone, no more budgets for food and a DJ and linens. Now the 18th of each month serves as a reminder of how long he has been away from me. But it also serves as one month closer to when I will be reunited with him again. And that reunion is something I dream of every night when I tell him goodnight and tell him to meet me in my dreams. And he does. Those dreams are what get me through each night.

This is a little overview of what has gone on. I will go into more detail I am sure as time passes and I continue to open up more. Like I said I know this is probably really rough but it is a start for me. I am sure I will learn more about this whole blog thing as time passes and I get input from some friends and family who have experience in this sort of thing.

This is my process...

Today I went to counseling for the second time. I am trying a new place and hoping for better results. I sat on a cold leather couch and laid my heart out to a woman I did not know. It was liberating. I have been trying to take this whole ordeal with honesty. I am not ashamed of my grief. I do not feel that I need to hide it. It is now a part of who I am. But I have decided I will not let it define me. A friend of ours commented on a post of mine on Facebook and made me really think. She stated "Thank you for being so courageous and TRANSPARENT." I read the comment and really thought about it. Transparent is exactly what I want to be in this situation. I want to expose my grief and how I am feeling. I want to share how I am struggling, how I am coping, and how my heart hurts. I sometimes feel like I am so alone in this struggle but I am not. I went to a grief support group awhile back and came home and thought wow I felt like a child in that place. Most of the members were 50 and up. Here I was, 22. Most people do not lose their spouses at 22. But I did and I know I am not alone. I have been searching for grief blogs that would help me see how others struggle with what I am struggling with but have been really unable to find something for someone younger. I told my parents when all this happened that I know God wants me to help people through this. I was not sure how, or who, or when but I knew in my heart that is what I am meant to do. Maybe this is a way? Maybe it isn't but I am going to try and hope that somehow and someway maybe this can help others as I try to have it help myself. I have always loved writing and when I told my therapist that she suggested that I start writing my feelings. One of the goals I have in therapy is to find a way to express my grief in a productive way. I figured why not help myself by writing and hopefully someone somewhere will gain some help from this. Whether it is just knowing that there is someone else feeling how they are feeling, or taking something from a quote, picture, anything posted here. So I apologize in advance for this probably being a pretty rough blog. This is a first for me. I promise to be truthful and honest. I am not attempting to hide anything. This is me. Raw and open.

 

I showed this quote to my therapist and she took a moment before responding and said that is the best definition of grief that she has seen. It is something I am going to try to remind myself of often. It is a passage. There is not a one way street that leads you to happiness. There is not a tollway where you can get there faster. It is a passage. It is a process. This is my process and it starts right now.