The Most Handsome Cowboy I Know,

Last night was truly something special my love. Our closest friends and family gathered at our favorite dance bar and celebrated the best thing ever....YOU! It was a time to be honest I was dreading. Mentally I did not think I would have lasted more than an hour, two hours max before having to call it a night and bursting into tears as I drove home. I made it the WHOLE night. Be proud of me sweetie. I know you are. You always got on my case about being an old lady and needing to be in bed by 9:30. Well you know what? I went to bed at 3:00 AM! I know that was a major victory in your eyes hun. I smiled last night more than I have in a long time. A friend of ours who I will keep private told me last night some things that truly spoke to me. She was the reason why I cried for only the second time last night. She told me when she sees me smile she sees you in me. She said that somehow I happen to glow and I told her that was you. I could not have been any happier to hear that. I strive to make you proud of me each day. I strive to live life the way you would. I strive to be more of the woman I know you would be proud to call yours. You make me the woman I am today handsome. You let your life shine through me and apparently other people notice it as well. I hope to continue to let this light shine through me. I was told it is a way of comforting those who miss you. I could not help but tear up listening to the things that she told me. I could tell how true and sincere they were and it made me feel absolutely amazing to hear those words. Part of me felt that you were partially behind the words she was speaking to me. I felt like you were telling me in way that you felt the same way she did about me and that made me feel so close to you. I feel truly honored to be her friend. Thank you sweetie for bringing her into my life. I hope she is reading this and knows how truly special the moment we had last night was to me.

Well babe I danced last night...I did promise to practice for you. Let's just say it was easier said than done and that I hope I have many, many, many more years to come to continue on my practicing, or maybe I need a private lesson or two or forty. I have never danced with anyone but you mostly and we had our ways about us. It was something that I loved so much the way you would glide me around the floor, me stepping on your toes every now and again but it was always perfect. I could always look in your eyes and just see the love you had for me. Dancing with you was some of the closest moments I had with you. You had such a way about you when you danced. I loved watching you, I loved being held by you as you pulled me close and sung sweet country love songs in my ear. I missed that last night. I always think back to a night we had in Dallas when we lived there for school where after washing dishes one night you grabbed my hand and we danced around the kitchen. Well you danced and I stumbled along with you. I laughed and you laughed and we spilled onto the living room couch in a laughing fit. And then you kissed me. And I told you its was moments like that that made me fall in love with you more and more. It was moments like that I would tell our babies about one day. I wish I could have had so many more barefoot kitchen dancing night sweetie. I will tell you thank you though for last night. I can honestly say that they did not play any of the songs we always danced to. I think I have you to thank for that and that somehow you were playing DJ from up there. I know you know how hard last night was for me and I have a feeling you had some pull in them not playing our wedding song, or "Texas Angel", or any of the countless Jason Aldean songs you so adorably sung to me in the car. Thank you for that sweetie. I always hate crying in public and I think I hid it pretty well last night. I was able to have fun...a word I rarely have been able to use and actually mean recently. I feel like I am learning slowly what fun is again. Of course it will never be the kind of fun I had with you by my side but its something new. I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who want nothing more than to have me smile and to bring fun back into my life. I hope I made you proud last night sweetie. I felt your presence with me. I just still wish I had your hand in mine and arm around my waist pulling me around that dance floor. I will admit I often found myself looking up and wondering if you could see me. I miss you so much sweetie. I would give anything in the world to have my dance partner back, my life partner back, but I know I cannot turn back time as much as I pray and hope I could.

I do however have to share a funny story. We all wore our #JSTRONG shirts to the bar. I was asked by a stranger if we were part of a church group and I had to laugh...well actually I did laugh...out loud. I looked at him and said "No my fiancé died and today is his birthday we had these shirts made for him when he was in the hospital." My friends and coworkers that were there looked at me with mouths wide open. They could not believe I just laid all that on this poor stranger. So sweetie please work on me to maybe give some people a break and not make strangers cry. Please help me to find a better way to explain to them. Bluntness is always something I have been too good at. But I am sure you got a laugh out of it and said "Yep that's my girl, never sugar coating anything" up there.

I hope you had a good birthday in Heaven my love. I know your mom has missed that gorgeous smiling face for too many years now. I have never been very good at sharing but I do not mind sharing her with you love. I know she will take good care of you and make sure you are in good hands, even if they aren't mine. I will keep practicing my two step for you, even though I think I was better at the waltz when it came to not stepping on your feet. I will work on both of them for you ok? I want to blow you away with my mad dance skills when we meet again one day sweetheart. Missing you and loving you more and more as each day passes. Meet me in my dreams tonight and cowboy take me away :)

Love always and forever,
Your Monkey

I read this and could not help but think this is so true. I will continue to dance with that limp sweetie. My heart will forever be broken and part of me will always hurt but I promise you I will keep dancing. I will keep living this life sweetie. I know you wish nothing more for me. I will dance and make you proud (well probably more embarrassed by my ACTUAL dancing but you get the point)