Little Moments

Today I spent my afternoon at the house that Johnathon and I planned to build a family in, build memories in, the home we planned to begin our happily ever after in. I always tell people it is the smallest things that get me the hardest. I am moving back into our house in the next week. I feel like I am ready. I feel close to him when I am there and I know a part of him will always be in that house. It isn't a home without him, it is merely just a house. But I feel him there and when I feel him it is more a home than ever. It is now the home I will build memories in, the home I will achieve dreams in, the home I will be comforted by, the home I will accomplish things that will make my handsome angel smile. Because Lord I love that smile. Today I cleaned out the pantry and reorganized (one of the traits John loved me so much for....NOT). He would say I had a romantic relationship with my label maker but that is a whole other story. As I cleaned out the pantry I tossed a bunch of stuff that I knew I would never use, then I got to the Fruit Roll-ups. I had been grocery shopping the morning of the Sunday when everything began. I asked John what he wanted me to pick up and he told me he was dying for Fruit Roll Ups. So trying to get some wifely points I picked some up for him as well as more apple juice because that man could put down the apple juice. I sat cleaning the pantry and just stared at those roll ups. Then the tears came flowing. How could I be crying over some fruit squished into a roll? Then I saw the apple juice sitting on the floor with the other juices and sodas and such. The tears kept coming. I know I will never eat those roll ups but they remain in the pantry as well as the apple juice. It is the smallest things like that that can just pull my heart strings and open those tear flood gates. The poor people at the grocery store...I am sure I will have a few meltdowns there over the course of my lifetime.

Songs are the worst for me....John and I LOVED country music. I can remember a memory for almost any song on country radio. The most special one, our wedding song. I have yet to listen to it since John has passed away. I played it for the last time the morning he passed away. He took his last breath 5 minutes after it ended. That was the last time I have heard the words he was so proud of. I will never forget the night we picked that song. We had been toying with multiple songs trying to find just the right one. In terms of the wedding planning John pretty much let me do whatever I wanted. He had very few things that he wanted to have an opinion on. Two of them included the suits and our song. He came home one night and I was laying in bed watching yet another episode of "Say Yes to the Dress." He hit mute on the TV and plugged his phone into the radio in our room. He said "I found it. This is what I want our song to be. I think it describes us perfectly." The song began and Chris Young's voice began singing. I listened as John sung it to me like he always used to do. Of course he made it quite a dramatic performance lol but it was perfect.

"I've been a rolling stone all my life
Flying all alone, flying blind
I've seen it all, I've been around
I've been lost and I've been found

But who I am with you is who I really wanna be
You're so good for me
And when I'm holdin' you, it feels like I've got the world in my hands
Yeah, a better man is who I am with you

I've got a ways to go on this ride
But I got a hand to hold that fits just right
You make me laugh, you make me high,
You make me wanna hold on tight

'Cause who I am with you is who I really wanna be
You're so good for me
And when I'm holdin' you, it feels like I've got the world in my hands
Yeah, a better man is who I am with you
Who I am with you

Because of you I'm a lucky man
You're the best part of who I am

Who I am with you is who I really wanna be
You're so good for me
And when I'm holdin' you, it feels like I've got the world in my hands
Yeah, a better man is who I am with you

Yes, who I am with you."

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Je_24df8BZs

When the song finished John told me that is how he felt. What he did not know is that though this song may be about a man's love for his woman, but John made me the woman I want to be. He is the polar opposite of me in almost every aspect, but in all the important ones we are just the same. We knew how we wanted to raise our kids, how we wanted to spend our money, and how important our families are to us. He may not be here physically but he is still helping me become the woman I want to be. With him in my heart and by my side I will continue through this life with the goal of becoming the best woman I can be. I still have not been able to listen to that song and I have a feeling it will be a good amount of time before I will be able to. Especially with our wedding date coming up quickly. Maybe that will be the day I will listen to it...I am not sure. But I will continue to play that memory of him singing it to me all the time. When we would go out dancing he would always request it. If he heard it come on he would grab my hand no matter if I was in the middle of a conversation with someone or not and we would dance. He would sing it to me in my ear and hold me close. We would two step around the dance floor and I would fall more and more in love with the man holding me. If it came on in the car he would reach for my hand and always remind me that was our song and that soon we would be dancing to it as husband and wife. That day may no longer be in my near future but my cowboy will sweep me off my feet one day when I am back with him in Heaven and we will dance together again...hopefully I will be a little better at not stepping on his toes by then. Until then cowboy, keep waiting for me love. I will practice for my lifetime here so I can be just perfect when I am back in your arms again.

Tomorrow is Johnathon's birthday. I am sure I will be an emotional disaster all day, but I think that is to be expected. I know how John would want to spend his birthday because we usually spent the together. My birthday is April 8th and his is the 25th so we usually always got together with friends and family for both our birthdays. This year we were planning to do the same thing that we did last year and spend it at Midnight Rodeo dancing and having a couple drinks with the people we love the most. So tomorrow that is just what I will be doing. There is nothing more he would want from myself and the people who love him the most than to dance, sing, and drink a few drinks to celebrate him. I know my heart will be hurting but I know that is what he would want me to be doing. I know the songs will be hard for me to listen to but I know you will help keep me strong honey. I know I will feel you close to me. I am so glad you get to spend your birthday with your mom tomorrow my love. I know she has missed so many since she passed. I am sure she can make you a WAY better cake than I could. Loving you always and forever my sweet cowboy angel. I will practice my dancing tomorrow for you my love.