This House is not a Home

My love,

I sit here writing this post in the home I once shared with you my love. I sit here on a new king sized mattress that you would have said still wasn't enough bed for the both of us plus our fur babies. I sit here in tears....

Today I moved back into the house I always thought would become our home and the place we started a beautiful family in. Now it is just a house. It is not a home without you in it. It is simply a brick box with windows, rooms, and walls covered in pictures of two smiling people. I do not know the girl in those photos anymore. I am a completely different person now. I would give anything in this world to be that girl in the pictures, that girl with the beaming smile, the one with her hand in the hand of a man who she loves with all her being, the girl with big plans for a future filled with love, children, and dreaming beside a man who stole her heart. But that girl is gone. She disappeared with you when you left. I am now a girl who will forever have scars on her broken heart, a girl who is confused about what her future holds, a girl who sometimes feels lost in a world that all of a sudden seems so large.

I walked into the house tonight and sat on the floor of our bedroom. I looked around and could not help but be filled with emotions. I posted a quote one night when I could not sleep and it states "Missing you comes in waves and tonight I am drowning." I feel like that describes things perfectly tonight. I look around and see a bathroom where our dog would always steal your towel when you were in the shower and I think of all the times I sat in the bed and laughed when you would open the shower door to find your towel gone. I see our kitchen where you would make me pancakes and laugh at the fact that I could not make them to save my life (I would get egg duty...I will have to tell the whole story another time) I look at the front door that I know you will never walk through again. I see that bathroom that I would constantly yell at you for stinking up and not spraying, sorry if that was TMI but it was a topic of frequent conversation in the future Ortega household. I see the 'O' hanging on the wall of our living room reminding me that my last name is not Ortega and that my mail will never say that last name. I see the framed "Ortega Family EST 2015" print on the kitchen cabinet. I see the couch where I would often find you napping, snoring, and wonder what you were dreaming about. I sit in our room. The room that I was in when I got the news that forever changed my life. The call that something was terribly wrong. The room I paced in for hours wondering what could have happened to you and why you were not home. I sit in this room and miss you. I sit in this room and cry. I sit and miss you. I knew coming back to this house would be hard but I feel your presence so strongly here. I can close my eyes and feel you and that is all I need to know I am in the right place.

I remember sitting on the floor outside the ICU and telling my mom to call the realtor and put the house up for sale because there is no way I would ever go back to it. I remember my parents and your dad talking me out of it and telling me not to make any big decisions this quickly and that I needed to take some time and think about it and make it down the road. If I still wanted to sell it one year from then they would not stand in my way and they would let me. I remember thinking to myself how stupid is that? Why in the world would I ever want to go back to the house that I shared with the love of my life? Why would I want to be there without him? But I agreed. That night I went to sleep in the chair I spent 23 endless nights in. Before I fell asleep I prayed that God would reveal to me what he wanted. I prayed that you would help me to see what you wanted me to do. A few days later you left my arms to be in God's. That next day I needed some things from my house as I was going to move in with my parents because honestly I could not be alone. I knew that the first time I went back I would be able to know what I was going to do. I walked in and saw your shoes on the floor of the living room where you kicked them off the last day you were here after coming home from fishing. I saw your t-shirt on the bathroom floor from when you took a shower because I told you that you smelled like fish. I saw your pillow on the bed...and I did something surprising. I smiled. I could feel you here with me. I knew I needed to stay here. I smiled some more and then I saw the pile of wedding invitations I had just finished addressing the day before my world stopped. The smile quickly faded and the tears began to flow. This was more of the emotion I had expected. I cried as I ran my hand over the invitations, the address labels perfectly printed and white rose stamps placed in the corners. I cried as I walked into the guest room filled with things for our wedding, our custom monogram guest book sign, our sign in book for the ceremony filled with the most beautiful engagement pictures of us. I passed our pictures in the hall and saw your smile, and it made me smile. I went back to the house a few times throughout that first week and I smiled a little more each time. I knew I needed to stay. This was our home. This will forever be our home. I sit here typing this through blurred vision as the tears keep falling. I sit in our room and see our dogs snuggled up next to your pillow laying next to me and I smile. I know you can see it too and I know you are smiling too. I was told yesterday by my dad that I cannot be superwoman and was told again tonight by my mom. I am not superwoman. I am a girl trying desperately to get through each day while missing a large piece of myself. I will have nights like this and I will have days filled with similar emotions. I am sad. I won't hide that. I am human. If I had come back here and was not sad I think my parents would have me committed to a psych facility. Heck I may have committed myself! I miss you my love. I miss you every day. I miss you every night. Tonight will be a tough one. It will probably be one of the harder ones I face. But I know you will be here every moment of it. You will be in my dreams and you will be watching over me while I sleep. I love you with all I am honey. I always will. The bed will be lonely without you and I will be sleeping with your shirts and pillow so I can have your smell close to me. Good night my love. Meet you in my dreams really soon.

Love always and forever,
Your bed hog and pancake making failure
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

The view from our bed. That bottom one is your favorite picture that we took. It was a last minute one and it could not be more perfect. That smile in the top one is the one that stole my heart from the start. That smile is the one that my dreams are filled with.