Well, my mom had picked up my wedding dress a few weeks ago. They could not take it back because it had already been altered. At first I said I wanted to never see it and wanted it gone, just thinking about it was like pushing knives through my already broken heart. When my mom told me she picked it up I told her not to do anything with it and that I had an idea I wanted to run passed my photographer. My mom agreed and the dress was stored at my grandparents house until I needed it. My mom brought it to their house the other day as I told her about the photo shoot. Today I went to the guest bedroom where the light pink bag was laying on the bed. I opened the zipper and fell into a puddle of tears. I ran my hand over the intricate beadwork, lace, and stones. Flashbacks filled my head of the day I bought the dress, it was one of the happiest days of my life, next to the day I met John, and the day he got down on one knee and asked me to spend forever with him. My sister was here from Connecticut for our brother's wedding last May (2014) and I figured what better time to shop than while she is here because I wanted her to be apart of this moment. I went to the bridal shop with my friends and family (A LOT of them) and literally glowed the whole appointment. My face literally hurt from smiling so much. This was why I had watched "Say Yes to the Dress" on repeat for the past 4 months that we had been engaged. I was fully studied up on designers I liked and styles I wanted to try. I was on Pinterest pinning hundreds of dresses that I thought would be "The ONE." "The dress" was the very first one I tried on. It was absolutely stunning. It wasn't like anything I had ever seen on any wedding dress shows. It was classy, elegant, and romantic. It was everything I had ever dreamed of in a dress and more. The moment my consultant zipped me in I teared up as I stared at my reflection in the mirror of the fitting room. I felt like the most beautiful girl in the world. I knew John would absolutely love it. I tried on a few more and they simply did not make me feel the way that first one did. I was in love. As I looked at myself in the dress once more I pictured my handsome man standing at the end of the aisle on our special day (he would be crying of course). I had always joked with John that if he did not cry I would turn around and walk out of the church. I knew better. John, though he played it off as a touch guy was really emotional when it came the wedding. He always said he would cry and that I did not even have to worry about it. He always said that just knowing I was walking down that aisle as his fiancé and walking back as his wife was enough. I spent months hiding pictures of that dress and making sure John knew nothing about what it looked like. I would tell him it was long sleeved, black, with pink trim, and a turtleneck. John would always say I was a liar and that he already knew what it looked like. The first time he said that I almost burst into tears. He saw my face and grabbed my hand saying he was joking and he had no clue what it looked like but that he knew I would be gorgeous no matter what...but that it better not be a turtle neck. I kept the dress such a secret. I would not even show people a picture. I wanted the first time people saw it to be on the big day. Now that day is not coming and there is nothing more that I want than for my handsome man to see me in that dress. I just want to see what his face would look like. I had always told him my favorite part of wedding was watching the groom when the doors opened and the bride walked in. Now I will wait until the day I make it to Heaven with him. I hope his face is just as happy as it would be if I was walking down the aisle.
But back to today, as I sat there in my parents guest bedroom today with the dress in my hands I realized I am not ready to put it on. I still have a hard time believing that I will not be putting it on on May 9th and walking down the aisle to my happily ever after. I will not hear the words "I now pronounce you husband and wife." We will not walk into our reception and be introduced as the "New Mr. and Mrs. Ortega." Moments like this make the realization of John being gone so much more real. I had to text my photographer and tell her I couldn't do it. I am just not ready. It is days like this where the emotions go into overdrive and just consume me. The overwhelming sadness creeps in and reminds me that things will never be what I had planned for them to be. I will not be walking down the aisle in a matter of weeks. I will not be marrying the most handsome man in the whole world. I will not be starting a new chapter of my fairy tale filled with smiles, laughs, babies, and endless kisses. I will now be spending my time figuring out what a new "normal" is, trying to smile more, and figuring out who I am as a person. Figuring out this new "normal" is something that will take me a very long time. John has been my normal for the past 7.5 years. But each day that passes I try to get a little bit closer to that goal. I move back into the house that we shared tomorrow. I plan on bringing the dress home with me and finding a special place for it to hang in the closet. One day I may be ready to put it on and show it off to my angel in Heaven.
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