5 months. 5 long months.

It was 5 months ago today that my world changed forever. 5 months ago at 3:00am I sat in an emergency room waiting room for what would be the beginning of the worst nightmare of my life. 5 months ago at 5:00 am I was sitting in an ambulance flying down 59 to the medical center holding your hand and praying harder than I ever have in my life. It has been 5 months since I have heard your voice, 5 months since I heard you say I love you, 5 months since I have heard your laugh. 5 months since I watched you walk out the front door not knowing that was the last time I would hear your voice and that the next time I would see you, you would be fighting for your life. 5 months of pain and 5 months of hurt. I love you with everything I am my love. I miss you more and more every day. Sometimes I still can't believe this is all real. I love you my handsome. Always and forever.

Father's Day

Well yet another holiday comes this year. Today is Father's Day. Today is a day where I would give John a card "signed" by our puppies (inkpad paw prints) like I do each year and talk about what an amazing puppy daddy he is and how I can't wait to make him a real daddy. The we would have the same argument about how he wanted a boy first and I wanted a girl first. That second part won't be happening. Yet another blow. John sweetie, today I want to thank you. Thank you for being a loving, supportive, compassionate man, a man I know would have been an amazing father to our children (all 4 of them because I know how easy it would be to talk you up from your maximum of 3). Kids just had a way with you and you had a way with them. They were instantly drawn to you. It was one of the many reasons why I fell more and more in love with you. I could sit and watch you play Playstation with my nephew, rock crying babies to sleep, and play with baby dolls with your little cousins. I dreamt of the days when we would have kids of our own. I dreamt of the smile that would be constantly on my face as I would watch you teach them how to ride bikes, play soccer, cheer them on as they took their first steps, and be that dad who takes zillions of pictures of them and posts them on Facebook 20 times a day. I won't lie I still dream of those days but now the bitter reality hits that those things will not be happening. So today sweetie I want to honor you as well. I may not have been able to make you a father but thank you for being the man I dreamt of making one. Thank you for being the kind of man who made me want to grow a family with. Thank you for being the kind of man I would have been proud to tell our kids they reminded me of and not just if they had your charming looks. I love you with everything I am sweetie. I may have only been able to make you a puppy daddy but trust me our pups love you more than anything in this world and miss you more than I could tell you.

 

 

 

 

Today is all about fathers and I hit the jackpot with this one. This man has held my hand, cried with me, held me, hugged me, and dried more tears than I could count. He has been my solid foundation during the most painful and trying time of my life. He has reminded me to never lose my faith despite the challenges life continues to throw at me, he has reminded me that family is forever. This is a man I dreamed my children would grow up to be like. I am forever thankful that God has blessed me with this man and that I am able to call him dad. God knew that I would need a strong and caring man to guide me through times like these and he surely delivered. My dad has been strong for me when I couldn't be strong for myself, when I felt that every ounce of strength I had was cried out. He has done anything humanly possible to make this time as easy as he could for me. This is the man who flew home early from Florida the morning John passed away to lay next to me on the bed as I cried until I literally could not feel pain anymore. He has cried with me and he has cried for me. He has reminded me that it is ok to have pain and it is ok to have emotions. He's reminded me I do not have to be strong every second of every day. He has supported me. Most importantly he has loved me. I am forever grateful as blessed to call him my daddy and daddy I love you more than words could ever describe. You are one of the most special blessings I have in this life. Thank you for helping me grow into the person I am today and thank you for being there for me always. Thank you for showing me what strong men are and what kind of man I need for myself. I saw a lot of John in you and maybe that is why I picked him to spend my life with.

 

 

I have also been blessed to call this man my daddy for almost 8 years now. This man has done much of the same as the daddy who shares me last name with me. He has cried with me, supported me, and been a constant reminder to never my faith even during a time where it is all too easy to throw faith away. He has given me the most precious and sacred gift anyone could ever give a person and that is true love. He raised a man who I love more than life itself and for that no amount of "thank you's" could ever explain how much that means to me. This man has loved me and taken me in as his daughter since day 1 of John and I's relationship. He has considered me another one of his children and has treated me just the same. This man and I have a connection now that I do not have with almost anyone else. We both lost the loves of our lives far too soon in this life. We both know the pain that comes with that loss. He is one person who when they say "I know how you're feeling" they mean exactly that. Daddy O thank you for being an amazing man. Thank you for loving me and supporting me in all my choices. I am beyond blessed to have the privilege to call you my dad. I love you forever and always. Thank you for raising the man who holds my heart. I know many of the things that I love about him are direct characteristics of what you taught him a man should be.

 

 

Fight through the bruises

Someone asked me the other day how I do it? How do I get by and hold it together so well? Well the answer is I don't. Every day is a struggle. This is not just something that one day you wake up and are over it. Each day comes with its own unique challenges and its own set of problems. Some days are easier than others and some days are hardly tolerable. When those days come that are hardly tolerable,  I think to myself that God kept me here for a reason. He has things he wants me to accomplish. He has plans for me. His plan for me is not over. He gave me this life for a reason, for some purpose. It is my goal to find out why. Life is a gift, that could not be any more true. Some take it for granted and some live it for every moment. I want to live mine for every moment. I want to make John proud. I want to make God proud. I want to make myself proud. I want to make my friends and family proud. So do not let me fool you. I do not have it all together...not even close. There are days when the breakdowns come, the tears come, I see something in the grocery store and check out quickly without even finishing my shopping because I can feel the tears swelling up in my eyes, that I burst into tears seeing people's new wedding pictures on Facebook, or seeing baby announcements, seeing proposals, or watching people in relationships that they don't appreciate or aren't being appreciated by their significant other, relationships that you know are not as "happy" as those people make them seem. Those sorts of things somehow have a way of punching me in the stomach harder than a boxer ever could especially those last ones. Those are the sorts of things that make me sit and wonder what our pictures would have looked like? Would we have had a daughter or a son first? I have no problem crying, trust me I have no shame in that, but have learned people look at you like a crazy person if you do it in the grocery store. Darn you ranch dressing and Fruit Roll Ups. I will forever see myself as a broken person. I do not think that will ever change. But I want to be a broken person who fights. I do not want to let brokenness consume me. No I will never be that smiling girl in the Save the Date on my fridge. But going through this will make me someone new, someone stronger than that girl in the picture. My heart will never "heal." I think the word heal does not apply to deaths especially with spouses. I do not think anyone truly heals. I think it is all about finding your new normal and learning to cope with it and fighting to make it through each day as a better person. I will continue to fight. I will try to see each day as a gift and not just another period of 24 hours that I am away from the one person I would give anything to be close to again. I read this picture on Facebook today and it really got me to thinking. 

The Why Game

Just have been thinking so much about my life now. I catch myself wondering how I got to this place? How did all these things happen so quickly? What do I do now? I find myself constantly questioning things. What if? Why? How did this happen? Could I have changed this outcome? Why didn't I take his blood pressure more? Why didn't I nag him more about taking his medications? These questions will sometimes eat at me. I am finally allowing myself to give them all to God. Those questions are not ones for me to ask and they are not ones for me to answer. My plan is not the ultimate plan and I must keep reminding myself of that. I have to learn to accept this fact. Though I catch myself telling God I think his plan sucks and I liked mine way better. This questioning phase of the grieving process I am in is a very difficult one. It wakes me up in the middle of the night. It catches me off guard while mid conversation with someone. I find my mind drifting to these imaginary scenarios in my head. John always told me these imaginary situations that filled my head drove him crazy. I am a worrier. I think that statement may be the understatement of the year. John does not even know the definition of worry. He is one of the most carefree people I have ever been blessed to know. I would constantly come up with these plots in my head of things that could possibly happen (mostly crazy, stupid, bad stuff.) I will blame many of them on watching too much Law and Order SVU. These imaginary plots seem to have come back again. I find myself looking at his prescription bottles and wondering why didn't I keep better track of if he was taking them? Why didn't I buy him one of those awful pill sorters for each day of the week? Why? Why? Why? I have come to hate this word. I am slowly learning to let go of it and replace it with "because I could not have changed the outcome." This was Gods plan and there is no changing his plan. I recently told my father in law this when he began to ask himself the same questions. I told him that I really feel like John's mom must have needed him. I thought I needed him the most but I was wrong. His mom needed to hold him, kiss him, see that smile that I am sure lights up Heaven. I talked to his mom often while at the hospital with John. I would sit in his bed with him late at night and plead with her to please let me keep him here with me. I would beg her please let us begin our future. Please let me become the mother of his children. I remember even trying to bargain with her. As silly as that sounds I was willing to give up anything to keep him here with me. I realized one day how selfish that was of me. I have been blessed with him for 7.5 years. I have built memories that hold me together each day that passes. She had him for 10 years. We are pretty neck and neck in terms of time. I can only imagine how much she has missed him in all that time. I don't blame her. I am having a hard time being away from him for almost 4 months she's been away from him for 15 years. One night I quit bargaining and told her that there is no one in the world I would rather share him with than her. I posted a while back about me talking with my father in law about this moment. I know there is no one that can take care of him better than his mom, not even me. I would have tried hard but I never would have been able to manage to do half as good of a job as she could. I know one day I will be able to have all my questions answered and that day is not today one day I will be able to thank his mom for taking care of him for me for all the time that we will be apart. Until then each day is a constant struggle to not catch myself in playing the "Why" Game. Some days are harder than others and some days I still can't manage to keep it together, but I get through. I've had a lot of people ask me about that lovely word "why?" All I can say is if you are asking yourself that question, give up. Don't let it eat you alive because it easily can. It can easily wear you down and make you become someone you don't want to be. It can consume you. Don't let it. I won't lie some days it does consume me. Some nights when it's quiet and I hear a song he sung on the radio, or when I watch Food Network shows, or when I snuggle with the Build A Bear penguin he got me for our second Christmas together. I find myself wondering why cant you just be here with me? Why can't you be snuggled with me on this couch and talking about all the crazy things they are cooking on Chopped or how bad you want to go to the Steakhouse they are showing on Diners, Drive ins, and Dives? I wonder about all the things we were supposed to do and all the memories we never got the chance to make. It gets to me. The tears come and it takes me a bit. I snuggle into your shirt and then the tears stop. As crazy as it is to say I feel that John can feel when I sad. He sends me small reminders to let me know I will be ok. They are little things but things none the less that remind me he is always still there for me. So I fall apart and then I manage to out myself together. It's a daily thing, sometimes a weekly thing but the "why" seems to start it all. I have a list of goals I have been making in counseling and not using that lovely word is on the top part of my list. Step One: Let go of Why.