The Why Game

Just have been thinking so much about my life now. I catch myself wondering how I got to this place? How did all these things happen so quickly? What do I do now? I find myself constantly questioning things. What if? Why? How did this happen? Could I have changed this outcome? Why didn't I take his blood pressure more? Why didn't I nag him more about taking his medications? These questions will sometimes eat at me. I am finally allowing myself to give them all to God. Those questions are not ones for me to ask and they are not ones for me to answer. My plan is not the ultimate plan and I must keep reminding myself of that. I have to learn to accept this fact. Though I catch myself telling God I think his plan sucks and I liked mine way better. This questioning phase of the grieving process I am in is a very difficult one. It wakes me up in the middle of the night. It catches me off guard while mid conversation with someone. I find my mind drifting to these imaginary scenarios in my head. John always told me these imaginary situations that filled my head drove him crazy. I am a worrier. I think that statement may be the understatement of the year. John does not even know the definition of worry. He is one of the most carefree people I have ever been blessed to know. I would constantly come up with these plots in my head of things that could possibly happen (mostly crazy, stupid, bad stuff.) I will blame many of them on watching too much Law and Order SVU. These imaginary plots seem to have come back again. I find myself looking at his prescription bottles and wondering why didn't I keep better track of if he was taking them? Why didn't I buy him one of those awful pill sorters for each day of the week? Why? Why? Why? I have come to hate this word. I am slowly learning to let go of it and replace it with "because I could not have changed the outcome." This was Gods plan and there is no changing his plan. I recently told my father in law this when he began to ask himself the same questions. I told him that I really feel like John's mom must have needed him. I thought I needed him the most but I was wrong. His mom needed to hold him, kiss him, see that smile that I am sure lights up Heaven. I talked to his mom often while at the hospital with John. I would sit in his bed with him late at night and plead with her to please let me keep him here with me. I would beg her please let us begin our future. Please let me become the mother of his children. I remember even trying to bargain with her. As silly as that sounds I was willing to give up anything to keep him here with me. I realized one day how selfish that was of me. I have been blessed with him for 7.5 years. I have built memories that hold me together each day that passes. She had him for 10 years. We are pretty neck and neck in terms of time. I can only imagine how much she has missed him in all that time. I don't blame her. I am having a hard time being away from him for almost 4 months she's been away from him for 15 years. One night I quit bargaining and told her that there is no one in the world I would rather share him with than her. I posted a while back about me talking with my father in law about this moment. I know there is no one that can take care of him better than his mom, not even me. I would have tried hard but I never would have been able to manage to do half as good of a job as she could. I know one day I will be able to have all my questions answered and that day is not today one day I will be able to thank his mom for taking care of him for me for all the time that we will be apart. Until then each day is a constant struggle to not catch myself in playing the "Why" Game. Some days are harder than others and some days I still can't manage to keep it together, but I get through. I've had a lot of people ask me about that lovely word "why?" All I can say is if you are asking yourself that question, give up. Don't let it eat you alive because it easily can. It can easily wear you down and make you become someone you don't want to be. It can consume you. Don't let it. I won't lie some days it does consume me. Some nights when it's quiet and I hear a song he sung on the radio, or when I watch Food Network shows, or when I snuggle with the Build A Bear penguin he got me for our second Christmas together. I find myself wondering why cant you just be here with me? Why can't you be snuggled with me on this couch and talking about all the crazy things they are cooking on Chopped or how bad you want to go to the Steakhouse they are showing on Diners, Drive ins, and Dives? I wonder about all the things we were supposed to do and all the memories we never got the chance to make. It gets to me. The tears come and it takes me a bit. I snuggle into your shirt and then the tears stop. As crazy as it is to say I feel that John can feel when I sad. He sends me small reminders to let me know I will be ok. They are little things but things none the less that remind me he is always still there for me. So I fall apart and then I manage to out myself together. It's a daily thing, sometimes a weekly thing but the "why" seems to start it all. I have a list of goals I have been making in counseling and not using that lovely word is on the top part of my list. Step One: Let go of Why.