Fight through the bruises

Someone asked me the other day how I do it? How do I get by and hold it together so well? Well the answer is I don't. Every day is a struggle. This is not just something that one day you wake up and are over it. Each day comes with its own unique challenges and its own set of problems. Some days are easier than others and some days are hardly tolerable. When those days come that are hardly tolerable,  I think to myself that God kept me here for a reason. He has things he wants me to accomplish. He has plans for me. His plan for me is not over. He gave me this life for a reason, for some purpose. It is my goal to find out why. Life is a gift, that could not be any more true. Some take it for granted and some live it for every moment. I want to live mine for every moment. I want to make John proud. I want to make God proud. I want to make myself proud. I want to make my friends and family proud. So do not let me fool you. I do not have it all together...not even close. There are days when the breakdowns come, the tears come, I see something in the grocery store and check out quickly without even finishing my shopping because I can feel the tears swelling up in my eyes, that I burst into tears seeing people's new wedding pictures on Facebook, or seeing baby announcements, seeing proposals, or watching people in relationships that they don't appreciate or aren't being appreciated by their significant other, relationships that you know are not as "happy" as those people make them seem. Those sorts of things somehow have a way of punching me in the stomach harder than a boxer ever could especially those last ones. Those are the sorts of things that make me sit and wonder what our pictures would have looked like? Would we have had a daughter or a son first? I have no problem crying, trust me I have no shame in that, but have learned people look at you like a crazy person if you do it in the grocery store. Darn you ranch dressing and Fruit Roll Ups. I will forever see myself as a broken person. I do not think that will ever change. But I want to be a broken person who fights. I do not want to let brokenness consume me. No I will never be that smiling girl in the Save the Date on my fridge. But going through this will make me someone new, someone stronger than that girl in the picture. My heart will never "heal." I think the word heal does not apply to deaths especially with spouses. I do not think anyone truly heals. I think it is all about finding your new normal and learning to cope with it and fighting to make it through each day as a better person. I will continue to fight. I will try to see each day as a gift and not just another period of 24 hours that I am away from the one person I would give anything to be close to again. I read this picture on Facebook today and it really got me to thinking.