Happy Birthday My Angel

Dear John,

Today is your birthday my love. I would say Happy Birthday but honestly it is the saddest birthday yet for me...I am here alone and you are far away. I will not be getting you a cake, I will not be signing you the BEST rendition of Happy Birthday ever (lol), or wrapping your presents, or watching your smile whenever you open it (because half the time you have picked it out lol.) I will not be making jokes that you are an old man and that now I have to start looking for a newer model. I will be sad. I woke up with a numbness that I had not felt in some time. A numbness that I remembered praying that I would feel when I was so tired of all the feeling that I had been doing. I used to pray Lord make me numb so I do not have to hurt. I felt that numbness this morning and thought about it for awhile. I do not want to be numb. I want to feel. Numb will not get me anywhere. It will not give me any forward progress. I need to feel. I know the feelings I will be feeling today will be of utter sadness and a brokenness that becomes that much more real on days and occasions like today. But feeling is something I need to do.

 I spent the morning with our family and friends eating at your favorite Papa Mex. I ordered my usual and thought to myself what you would say because I only ordered one taco instead of my usual three. I looked around and saw bacon, egg, and cheese tacos on another table and cried. Here I am sitting in a restraint full of people crying over a taco...I look up and see your dad. He sees my tears. Moments later he comes to sit with me. His words always speak right to my heart. He knows exactly how I am feeling today. For those who do not know, John lost his mom when he was 10 years old. It has almost been 15 years she has been gone. She was his dad's world, his everything, his true love. I have spoken in great detail with your dad about my feelings because I know of all the people I know he can understand my feelings probably better than I can some days. I sit at the table this morning and look down at my ring. For the first time all morning the sun is shining and it gleams off my ring just right. The rain has been pouring down most of the morning. It was a dark and gloomy day, it matched my feelings just perfectly. Then, looking at my ring and seeing it sparkle in the sun I thought of you. You had always told me you thought of your mom when you heard the song "Holes in the Floor of Heaven." That song began to play in my mind this morning. My best friend often jokes and tell me when its storming and pouring that John must be really missing me today. I would like to think she is right. I woke up missing you so much love. The rain pouring down outside, the tears pouring down my face. Then I saw that gleaming diamond you placed on my finger as a promise of your love to me and the sun came out...I do not believe in coincidence anymore. I feel that every small moment in the day means something. I like to see many of them as signs from you. I looked up from the ring on my hand and looked around the restaurant. I see all these people gathered in your name, here to celebrate you. I think of the smile you have on your face watching all these people gathered talking and eating, two of your favorite things. I hear jokes about the Rockets and Mavericks and think of how you and your cousin would be going back and forth for hours about the game last night and how somehow bets would have become involved. That sunshine was a sign that yes you missed me but you wanted me to smile. So that is what I did. I smiled. Then I began to tear up again, but I smiled. It was a genuine smile not one of the many fake ones I try to put on in public so people do not think I am a psych patient who escaped the center. As much as I fell in love with your smile, you always told me how much you loved mine. You would tickle me until I literally would pee just to see my smile. You told me no matter what you just wanted to make me smile. So thank you for making me smile this morning baby. And thank you for not involving tickles to get me there. I miss you. Most days it feels like I miss you more each day. My heart hurts just as much as the day I was forced to leave the hospital after you passed away. It took 2 hours to get me out of your bed and release your hand from mine. My heart feels just as broken as it did then. But yet I still smile. I know behind each smile you are there. Each day I will hurt, each day I will still feel broken. I will be broken in some aspect for the rest of my life. I lost a large part of me when I lost you. I will never get that part back until we are back together again. But today is about you my love, not about me. Today I will smile because I know you want me to, I will dance because I know you want me to (and partially because I know you want to watch me step on someone else's toes for once), and I will love you with all that I am today and every day after because I know you are in heaven doing the same things for me. I have no gift this year no fancy wrapped present. I have myself and a promise. This year my love I promise that you have my heart. I promise that I will continue to love you more and more each day. I promise to smile each day because I know you want me to. I promise that I will be the best person I can here and make you as proud as I possibly can. I promise that I am wholly and eternally yours. I know it is not an XBOX (but I did get you one for Christmas), it isn't season Rocket's tickets, it is all I have and it is all of me. You have it. I love you with every inch of my being sweetie and I will continue to do so for the rest of my lifetime here. You are my world who just does not happen to be on this world with me. I hope your mom is taking the best care of you up there and making you an amazing birthday cake. Celebrate you today my love because you are truly the most amazing person I have ever been blessed with meeting. I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world to have the most handsome angel in heaven all to myself. Keep waiting for my handsome.

 

You may not have been my official husband. But your dad put it perfectly at your service. The ceremony was for the family and friends who loved us. When you got down on one knee and asked me to be your wife, that moment right there we were joined as husband and wife. We promised at that moment to love and cherish one another forever. I may not have the Ortega last name but and Ortega has my heart and I have his.

I love you,
your Monkey
xoxoxoxoxoxox