Once Upon a Time...But Not So Happily Ever After

For those of you who do not know me or my story here it goes. It starts with "Once upon a time" like most fairy tales. It does not however have the fairy tale ending I imagined. I met Johnathon when I was 15 and he was 17. We went to the same high school and met at my best friends birthday party in October 2007. I instantly could not keep my eyes off him. He had this amazing charm about him. And his smile....that smile is what stole my heart instantly. It is a smile that won countless arguments over the course of our 7.5 year relationship. We started officially dating in November 2007. November 28, 2007 to be exact. He walked me to my computer class and told me he wanted to wait until the end of the week (it was only Wednesday at this point) but that he could not wait and he asked me to be his girlfriend. He then politely asked if he could kiss me. That was our first kiss. It was perfect.

This is the first picture of us together in 2007. It has always been one of my absolute favorites.

The dating continued for lots of years (some days it felt like decades) and we ended up getting engaged January 25, 2014. It was a perfect moment. I will post about it later I am sure. Never would I have imagined exactly one year from that day my life would be turned upside down. One of the last text messages I had sent John was "Happy one year engage-iversary. I can't wait to be your wife. I love you." Without sharing all the details Johnathon did not come home one night after leaving to go play in a poker tournament and after searching, countless phone calls, and panic attacks, it was learned he had pulled over after leaving thempoker tournament and had a seizure. It was many hours before he was found. Sitting in the ER we learned he had a brain bleed caused by hypertension. He was non responsive, on a ventilator, and being transferred to the medical center for more specialized care. This was January 26, 2015 at 6:00am. 23 days later my world ended. Johnathon passed away early in the morning on February 18th. My entire world had been shattered and I had lost my soul mate, my best friend, the man who makes me whole. The world seemed constantly dark and I felt completely alone even in a room filled with people who loved and cared for me. I could be surrounded by millions and still only long for one of them to hold my hand, to dry my tears, and to hold me in the way he did that made all my worries vanish. But that person was not here. He was not going to be able to do any of those things. He was in Heaven with his mom. He was in my heart. He was home.

That day will forever be the most tragic day in my life. I felt as if I had lost it all and some days that feeling creeps back. Hopelessness is how I like to describe it best. I felt completely hopeless. At that point I lost all care for anything. I had no clue what I was going to do with myself, with my future, with our home, with my broken heart. Some days I still do not know. But I am learning to take each day as it comes and focus less on what the future holds. My goal is get through each day. For anyone who knew me before this you would know a day by day person is NOT me. I have each day, each hour, each minute, every last second of my life planned out and written in my favorite color coded Erin Condren planner (that Johnathon hated with all he was.) He was the one who lived each minute for what it was. He had not a worry in the world as to what the future would hold. When I say we were polar opposites I could not be anymore truthful. The man hardly knew what he would be eating for lunch that day let alone what he would be doing in 10 years. All he would tell me was that he would be my husband and the father of our children and that was all that mattered to him. I now live each day still with my color coded Erin Condren planner (sorry John) but focusing less of what November holds and more on what does today hold? I knew he would have had a fit when I ordered a new one after his passing. The one I had was monogrammed with Mrs. Ortega and was filled with dates for ordering wedding things, to do lists, budgets, dress fittings. After his passing I could not even see it without bursting into tears. I ordered a new one and still filled in our monthly anniversaries, our wedding day, our birthdays. The dress fittings were gone, no more budgets for food and a DJ and linens. Now the 18th of each month serves as a reminder of how long he has been away from me. But it also serves as one month closer to when I will be reunited with him again. And that reunion is something I dream of every night when I tell him goodnight and tell him to meet me in my dreams. And he does. Those dreams are what get me through each night.

This is a little overview of what has gone on. I will go into more detail I am sure as time passes and I continue to open up more. Like I said I know this is probably really rough but it is a start for me. I am sure I will learn more about this whole blog thing as time passes and I get input from some friends and family who have experience in this sort of thing.