This is my process...

Today I went to counseling for the second time. I am trying a new place and hoping for better results. I sat on a cold leather couch and laid my heart out to a woman I did not know. It was liberating. I have been trying to take this whole ordeal with honesty. I am not ashamed of my grief. I do not feel that I need to hide it. It is now a part of who I am. But I have decided I will not let it define me. A friend of ours commented on a post of mine on Facebook and made me really think. She stated "Thank you for being so courageous and TRANSPARENT." I read the comment and really thought about it. Transparent is exactly what I want to be in this situation. I want to expose my grief and how I am feeling. I want to share how I am struggling, how I am coping, and how my heart hurts. I sometimes feel like I am so alone in this struggle but I am not. I went to a grief support group awhile back and came home and thought wow I felt like a child in that place. Most of the members were 50 and up. Here I was, 22. Most people do not lose their spouses at 22. But I did and I know I am not alone. I have been searching for grief blogs that would help me see how others struggle with what I am struggling with but have been really unable to find something for someone younger. I told my parents when all this happened that I know God wants me to help people through this. I was not sure how, or who, or when but I knew in my heart that is what I am meant to do. Maybe this is a way? Maybe it isn't but I am going to try and hope that somehow and someway maybe this can help others as I try to have it help myself. I have always loved writing and when I told my therapist that she suggested that I start writing my feelings. One of the goals I have in therapy is to find a way to express my grief in a productive way. I figured why not help myself by writing and hopefully someone somewhere will gain some help from this. Whether it is just knowing that there is someone else feeling how they are feeling, or taking something from a quote, picture, anything posted here. So I apologize in advance for this probably being a pretty rough blog. This is a first for me. I promise to be truthful and honest. I am not attempting to hide anything. This is me. Raw and open.

 

I showed this quote to my therapist and she took a moment before responding and said that is the best definition of grief that she has seen. It is something I am going to try to remind myself of often. It is a passage. There is not a one way street that leads you to happiness. There is not a tollway where you can get there faster. It is a passage. It is a process. This is my process and it starts right now.