Your Smell

Your smell. One of the things that instantly brings me back to cuddling against you on the couch and snuggling up next to you at the movies. It takes me back to the 15 year old girl I was in high school when we first began our love story. I couldn't help but notice how amazing you smelled all the time. I loved being close to you just to take in the scent of your Abercrombie cologne or your Armani Code. That smell somehow has the power to bring me to my knees on some days, on days like today. It can bring me a smile or it can draw out tears. Today it decided to bring out the tears followed by a smile. I find myself clutching your clothes and burying my face in them praying that the smell never fades. I sleep with your t shirt and sweat pants. The same ones you had on the night before you went to the hospital. I had found myself scolding our sweet dog Paisley for laying on your pillow at night with the fear your smell would be replaced with hers. I think she finds comfort in sleeping on your pillow now. I have accepted that maybe that's her way of feeling close to you. Needless to say, she now sleeps on your pillow every night. I have your cologne bottles lined up and will catch myself missing you and going to them and smelling them. Somehow it overwhelms me and makes me feel like you are here with me. They say smells are one of the strongest connections to memories people have and I feel that couldn't be more true. As sad at it is, and I cannot believe I am admitting this, I have your deodorant in our medicine cabinet. I sometimes open it and take in the smell. I remember how you wouldn't go to bed without putting it on. I remember laying with you with my head on your chest and smelling that Old Spice smell from your deodorant as I fell asleep. That is one of the things I miss the most. Being able to lay with you. Even if it was only for a short time because apparently I am like sleeping with a furnace as he said. I miss laying my head on yours and listening to your heartbeat. That memory then takes me back to our last memory of me laying with you and listening to your heart stop beating. What I would give to hear that beating again. I miss feeling it under my hand as I drifted to sleep. I miss you honey. I miss your smell. I miss everything about you. Our guest room closet is filled with your clothes...I could not hold it together enough to keep them in our closet. I am sure I will find myself sitting in there from time to time just smelling your leather jacket, that seems to hold your scent better than anything else. I love you sweetie. I love that I have these things that will forever remind me of you. I have your scent imbedded in my mind. I have you imbedded in my heart.

 

Love sleeping with this shirt. Our four legged son likes to smell it too. He knows it's his daddy's.

 

Our sweet Paisley Grace on your pillow. Can't bring myself to change that pillow case. And honey you know I hate when things don't match...

Build Me Up

You are a reflection of those you circle around you. This can be a good thing or a bad thing. It's in the worst times in your life that you truly learn this. I am at the lowest part of my life currently. I am trying to repair and rebuild. I am starting over essetially. This is a time when I can truly be selfish. I am making decisions based on what I think is right for ME. I am making choices today that will help ME tomorrow. I am trying to find ME. I feel as though I lost myself with John and I know it will be a long porcess but I will find me again. At this point in life I want to surround myself with amazing people, people who build me up, people who encourgae me, people who help me grow, people who understand I am not ok and know how to help even if it is just sitting with me in silence. I need those people in my life now. I was surrounded with some of the most loving and supportive family and friends a person could ask for during the days and weeks John spent in the hopsital. But it is in times like right now where I truly learn who the people are who care for me and truly, without any selfish desires, want to be there for me. It is in the quiet times when I sit in tears at my house that those people text me, call me, check on me. It is on those days that are special to me that people go out of their way to make sure I am not alone, to make sure I smile, that mean the world to me. It is now that the dust has started to settle and I am alone that I am learning who the people are that will be in my future. I vowed to myself to only surround myself with people who will continue to build me up. In all that has happened and as low as I have sunk I cannot be around others who will try to drag me down any further. Life is too short to spend around negative people. Yes, I will be selfish. I think at this point in my life I deserve to be. Emotionally I am not ready to be around people who will try to bring me down. I see myself as a fresh open wound. I am starting to heal but when salt gets in, the sting is even worse than before. I do not need any salt on my wound. I need my wound to be cleanin order to heal. This may be my nurse brain thinking but that is how I see things. I want my life to be clean like my wound. I want to surround myself with people who will help me heal. I want to spend my time going to church, learning in my career, and being around the people who have never left me. I am so thankful for all the support I have received, from family, friends, even strangers. I am truly blessed. A person should never be alone when going through loss and though at times I do feel alone, I can just as easily pick up the phone and hear an encouraging word on the other end of the phone. I am lucky. I cannot imagine going through this alone. But in my starting over I am sure some feelings will be hurt, some friendships ended, some very honest and blunt things said. I am truly sorry for anyone who I have hurt in the process of trying to better myself. But I have learned that the only person who can judge me is God. I do not have to explain myself to anyone but him. I am taking an emotional vacation in sorts from anything or anyone who can vear me off track of my journey to healing. I am focussing on ME. It has been a long time since I have been able to only think about myself. I have literally spent my whole adult life thus far with John. It was always his approval I was seeking and before making any big choices I went to him about them first. I know now this is not the order I should have been going in and that God's approval should have come first. But I now am able to see this. So now I am refocussing my priorities and seeking only God's approval. I will stumble, I will say things I should not, I will make mistakes. But I know at the end of the day God will always be there. It is like those people who were there for me in the shadows and are still standing by my side now. I am so thankful to have a God I can say this about. My father in law always told me not to worry and that I was never alone that God would always be by my side and to be honest I did not feel him always there, until one night he told me to give it all over to him. He gave me peace. That peace is something that changed my life. I sat in a hallway at 2am, tears falling like a river, praying with all the strength I had left in me. He came through. He saved me right in that hallway. The next day I was a different person. I was told by visitors that I seemed different and all I could say was I had gotten my peace and all I hoped for now was that John would get the peace he needed as well. When John passed away that morning I felt absolutely crushed. I laid next to him, hand in hand, tears covering his hospital gown. And I knew he had his peace. He was at peace. He was with God, he was with his mom. That peace is overwhelming. That feeling is something that I think helps me to get through each day. It is what keeps me going. Knowing that he has that peace now is something that helps me to sleep at night without him laying next to me. That peace is something I want to continue to feel. I want to surround myself with those people who will help me sustain that peace. They will not tear me down, or tell me to get over it, they will not tell me to enjoy the single life, they will not be blind to the emotions that I feel or how I express them. They will support me and they will remind me of the peace that John has now, the peace I will one day have also. I can honestly say that those I have chose to surround myself with are those people. I am sure as time goes on some will fade away, when the new-ness wears off and the years go on I am sure I will lose contact with some, but that is life. As long as I continue to reevaluate my relationships keeping in mind God's goals and plans for me as well as the positive atmosphere I am trying to create for myself I think I will be ok. So thank you to everyone who has been there, those who have written cards, letters, emails, text messages, those who dried my tears, those who held my hand, those who helped me get out of bed on the bad days, those who snuggle with me when I am feeling extra down. Thank you. I would not be where I am today without you. Thank you for reminding me I am never alone. I know I have the greatest angel in Heaven but there are some here on Earth who I know are John's way of having angels here on Earth to protect me.

I will get back up. I will not let anyone keep me down. I am starting over, cleansing my palette of all things that will not allow me to grow and to heal. I want to become the best me that I can be. If there is anything that I have learned through all this it is that life is too short. It is too short to not be happy. Though true happiness is something I do not currently know, I can rest assured one day I will find it again.

Saving Amy

Tonight I received a Facebook message that has touched me more can I can possibly explain. It is a song that I feel so connected to. It is absolutely heartbreakingly beautiful. There is really nothing else I can say about it other than to watch the video or read the lyrics. Honey I can only hope that you feel this way about me my love. I dream of the day when you meet me at those gates and wrap me in your arms again. God will save me baby I promise you that. Keep waiting on me my love and I will continue to keep the promise that I made to you 1.5 years ago when I said yes. I will be keeping this song very close to my heart. Thank you so much to the amazing girl who sent this to me. I am eternally grateful.

"Amy's got the letters I wrote
My picture in a frame
She's had a year to let go
She still wears my ring
It hasn't left her finger since the night that I proposed
When I promised her forever before I took her home
But I never made it home that night
A part of her died too
I watched her losing her mind
And there's nothing I can do
Yea sometimes she goes crazy screaming out my name
Saying baby please come and save me
I wish she knew I'd do anything
To kiss the tears right off her face
Tell her everything's ok
Feel her heart beat next to mine
And make up for lost time
Oh but God I know I can't
You can't let her live this way
It's too late for saving me
But there's still hope for saving Amy
Now 3 years have gone by
She's trying to live her life
And I still watch her sometimes
Just to make sure she's alright
She knows I'll always be there
In her heart and in her dreams
Cause God, I promised her forever and that's one promise I intend to keep
To kiss the tears right off her face
Tell her everything's' ok
Feel her heartbeat next to mine
Make up for lost time
Oh but god I know I can't
But you can't let her live this way
It's too late for saving me
But there's still hope for saving Amy
Saving Amy
I'll kiss the tears right off her face
When I walk her through these gates
Feel her heartbeat next to mine
Make up for lost time
God I thank you everyday
For giving a her that ounce of faith
That led her right back here to me
And most of all for saving Amy
Saving Amy
Thank you god for saving Amy."
"Saving Amy" Brantley Gilbert

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wx8VqfOx6fY

3 Months of Heartache

3 months. It has been 3 months since I lost the love of my life and my best friend in the whole world. It has been almost 4 months since I heard you tell me "I love you" which were the last words that you said to me as you left that night after of course insulting my driving. Life seems to be going on for so many other people and yet I feel like mine is standing still. People are moving on and moving forward and I am stuck parked in the same place I was the day I lost you, some days I feel I have moved backwards. I wake up each day, go to work, cook, clean, sleep, and then begin it all over again. I feel like I am just existing each day and getting by. I no longer think about the future as I am just trying to make it through each day. Each day is a struggle and the past few days have been extremely difficult. Things have occurred that have just broken my heart and made me realize that life is truly never going to be the same. I am so blessed to have the most amazing family and friends to be there for me and dry my tears and remind me that it is ok to be sad, it is ok to feel broken, and it is ok to let everything ok. Each day just doesn't feel right without you to tell me good night, to hold my hand in the car, and to kiss my forehead. Missing you always my love. I should be giggling like a school girl when receiving my mail which should now be addressed to Mrs. Britni Ortega. My mail still remains the same Ms. Britni Spellman...I don't know why but that somehow hurts me more than I thought it would. I should be packing for our honeymoon which would have been next weekend. Filling my bag with all my newly monogrammed items featuring my beautiful and proud new last name. Instead I sit and miss your smile and listen to my videos of your laugh. I have been really struggling this weekend my love. Missing you always sweetie pie. As I listen to the rain and thunder outside I know you are missing me too. Love you always angel.

Time...

I posted a quote the other day and it is posted below. It got me to thinking a lot. With the wedding date now passed I feel like I have a change in my perspective. It involves how I feel about the concept of time. Time to me has been an enemy. It has been an ugly roadblock to me getting back to my love where I belong. Time is something I keep hearing when people talk to me about healing and about grieving. If I hear anyone say "It will take time" one more time I may explode. Still, I smile and nod and say, "Yes that is what they tell me." I have come to the realization that time is not the enemy and that I am becoming my own enemy. Time should be my friend. Time is what will eventually help heal my heart. Time is something that I need to spend doing things that would make Johnathon proud of me, time is what I need to spend doing things that make me happy and make me proud. Time is precious and time is something that we can never get back. Time is something many people take for granted and do not even realize it until circumstances like this occur. Time is for making memories that will get us through hard time. I am so thankful for the time that I did have with Johnathon and I can truly say that we spent it well and made lots of memories that pop up in my mind daily and some days it is those memories that seem to be the only reasons I smile during the day. I have decided to make a turnaround and make time my friend. I am going to live my life in the best ways possible and make every moment count. I will do things I never though I would be able to do. I will go back to school, I will skydive, I will get a tattoo (well that one has already been done..), I will eat salad (this one may be a stretch for anyone who knows me and my eating habits), I will go to the beach more, I will spend more time with my friends and family, I will come out of my shell more. I will do all these things. I am hurting, do not get me wrong. I am hurting more than I am even capable of putting into words. And yes there are times when I hate time more than anything in the entire world. I sit and stare at a clock and wonder why some days pass so slowly, why some days all I can do is sit in the living room, our living room, and stare at the wooden "O" hanging on the wall and feel the tears begin to well up. But being more positive is something I have been trying to do since I lost John. It is something I KNOW for a fact he wanted me to be more of when he was here. I considered myself a realist, he considered me a negative Nancy. It is also the first thing that I wrote in my notebook sitting in his bed with him one week before he was gone. One night I could not sleep so I climbed in next to him and snuggled up with him. I sat and wrote my thoughts and told him I am making a bucket list and doing all the things we had hoped to do together and also things that you have told me you wished I would do. The first thing I wrote was "Be more positive." I can say honestly that will be the hardest one for me to deal with. I am working on it daily but it is one that will need daily practice to keep it going, it is one of those things that will take TIME. It is one that I will constantly struggle with. It is one of those things that makes me smile because I will say something negative and think to myself how much I wish I could hear him tell me "Really Britni? How about we try to see the good in things?" John was like that. He would see the good in almost any situation, he would also see the good in almost any person, even when I thought they had not one cell of goodness in their entire body. He would point out something positive about them just to show me he was right of course. So in all this time that I have ahead of me in this life that positive spirit is one I will strive to attain in his honor. I always wished I could be as carefree as John was. I am very type A for anyone who knows me best. Some may even call it anal retentive, but I prefer type A. Patience is certainly not my virtue and  trust me it was not his either. Maybe that is part of all this. Maybe I am supposed to learn patience, learn positivity, learn things like that from this. I have no clue. That is how I am trying to see things at least. But, in end, what I am hoping most is that time will one day be my friend. It may be a Frenemy for awhile but I will eventually get it to friend status, not best friend I won't push it. But now with all the constant heart breaking dates in the past for a little bit, until the holidays and anniversaries begin to roll in, I feel I am at a place where I can rebuild myself. I can work on me and figuring out who I am as a person. It felt like blow after blow, with my birthday, his birthday, his dad's birthday, our wedding day, etc. all hitting at once. I felt like once I got my head above the waves, here came another one, an even bigger one. Now I feel that I have time to heal. I have these next several months before holidays begin to recover and collect myself, to pick up the pieces and start to build myself back. There will always be cracks in my pieces, cracks that will never fit together the way they used to, but they will fit together someday And yes that dreaded concept of time will help that. I will never be the same girl that I stared at in the Save the Date hung on John's hospital room board, but maybe somehow I can be a better version of her? Now I think to myself and laugh that I will never be that happy girl with the smile. How could I be? The reason I have that smile is no longer here with me? But maybe I will start there with the positive outlook thing. John used to tell me the first things he noticed about me were my eyes and my smile. So honey I will keep working on that smile so you can see it from up there in Heaven my love. So thank you time, I am sorry I have hated you for so long. I hope you forgive me and accept my apology. And John honey I hope this change makes you proud. I know you wanted nothing more than for me to see things through more positive eyes, so here is my beginning. I am starting from the ground up and this remodel of myself will take a lot of time but I will get where I need to be one day. Guide me and lead me as I set forth on this journey and I will take all the time I need. I keep telling myself this is not a race. There is no end goal I am racing to get. No prize at the end. It is a journey and I will take my time getting there.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day. Today is a day to celebrate the amazing women who brought us into creation. I will start with my mom. This woman has been there by my side nonstop for the past 4 months. She slept in a waiting room chair for weeks as I slept in Johnathon's room. She worked from a small table in the hospital waiting room to keep her job. She was up all hours of the night to make sure I was ok and to make sure her future son in law was doing alright as well. She was there to dry my eyes on the bad days and celebrate with the good ones, she held my hand, she listened to me as I poured my heart out and expressed the thousands of different emotions I felt daily. She sat beside me as I sat through the funeral of the man who was supposed to not be in a casket in a church but be standing at the end of the aisle of a church waiting for me to become his wife. This woman has helped me become the strong woman I am today. She reminds me daily that I do not have to be superwoman and constantly try to take on the world. She reminds me I am human, I have emotions and I can express them. She reminds me that it is ok to cry and ok to be sad. She encourages me to not put on a fake face and tell people I am ok when I am not. She helps me be the transparent person that I am striving to be. I am beyond thankful for this woman and all that she has given me over the course of my life but especially over the course of the last few months as my world has been completely turned upside down and rocked to its core. She has and will always be a rock in my life. She has provided a firm foundation for which I will build my life. She and my dad took me back into their home after I lost John and reminded me that I was to stay there as long as physically necessary. She is constantly checking on me and making sure I am truly how I say I am. As much as that bugs me sometimes I am thankful that she cares enough to keep up with me and make sure that I am truly doing ok and make sure that I am telling the truth on the days when ok does not even begin to describe how I am feeling. I love you mom. I know you read my blog and hope this makes you smile. Thank you for being you and I am so blessed that God chose you as my mom. As much as we but heads sometimes I am forever thankful for the love and support that you show me daily and the courage you have given me to feel open enough to share my feelings. I love you.

There is another woman I would like to think about today and that is my mother in law. I woke up this morning and thought this is the first Mother's Day in 15 years that John will be spending with his mommy. It has been a long 15 years of separation and I can only imagine the glow on her face and that smile illuminating heaven today as she spends it with her baby boy. For anyone who does not know my sweet honey, he is a total momma's boy. He has her good looks and even better heart. He takes after her in so many ways. I was not blessed enough to meet the woman who created the man of my dreams but knowing him has helped me know her more. She raised the most incredible son and the man I am so proud to call my very own. So today Mama Ortega, kiss my baby, hug my baby, and celebrate this day dedicated to you together. I am so happy that you both are reunited. It hurts me to know he is not here with me but to know he is with his mom and a woman who loves him equally as much as I do gives me so much comfort. Smile today mom and know that one day I will meet you and be able to tell you face to face how thankful I am for your son. You have given me the best gift anyone could receive in life. And that is true and unconditional love. I know he learned how to love from you and his dad and you both are extraordinary people. I cannot wait to hug you and tell you that your son has changed my life, he has changed me, and has helped make me the person I am today. He makes me want to live each day to be a better person. So this Mother's Day enjoy having your baby back with you. I hope you will share him with me when I make it up there. Love you.

 

Today also makes me think of the Mother's Day I will not spend as a mommy to my whole baseball team of Ortega children (or Ortega Boys in Johnathon's prediction.) For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mom. I even went one year to my career day at school and told my class that. Since meeting John we have talked about kids. We have argued about how many and whether we wanted a boy or a girl first, or if we would have twins, and the name argument was ongoing. All I knew was that I wanted to have a family with this amazing man. I wanted our children to call me mommy and I wanted nothing more than to make him a dad. John may have laughed when people would ask us about when we were wanting kids but those who knew him best knew that he would have had a baby the day we got engaged! He was a baby magnet and they all just loved him. He had the cutest glow about him when little ones were around. He was constantly stealing people's babies and holding them, playing football with his little cousins outside, playing video games with our nephew, and just loving on them. I loved to see him in that light. The last year since our engagement we talked about babies all the time. We had names picked out we finally agreed on and knew how we wanted to decorate a nursery. We planned on getting a new car big enough to accommodate a growing family and started preparing ourselves for not being able to go out all the time with friends. I now see all of those dreams gone. I cannot imagine myself having children with anyone else. I have thought about adoption as that is something we did discuss if anything did arise that made it not possible for us to have our own children. It is something I think of for my future for sure. But I will not be an Ortega mom. That really gets to me. One of John's biggest goals in life was to be a dad and one of the dreams I had was to make his dream of a family come true. I will be thankful for the nieces and nephews I have and the love I will be able to give to them and maybe the future for me will hold children that I will adopt one day. As for now I will be here taking care of our four legged Ortega babies and being the best mommy I can be to them.

 

I love you my angel. Kiss your mommy for me and tell her Happy Mother's Day. I know you are wishing mine the same today. I am sure she is missing your big hug and kiss that you always greet her with. Enjoy today my love. I am so happy for you that you are back in your momma's arms. Stay there until I am back with you and maybe she will let you be in my arms again.  

I now pronounce you crushed and heartbroken

Today is the day. Today I wake up as Britni Spellman and go to sleep as the same girl. I do not become an Ortega. I do not hear "You may now kiss the bride." I do not drive off into my happily ever after. But today I still will make vows. I had already began to work on them before you passed away my love. I still promise you all of these things. I am sorry to keep the post so short, but honestly I do not even know what to say or how to express what I am feeling today. So sweetie, here are my vows to you. I wish nothing more than to be standing in the front of a church in a gorgeous gown, in front of the people who mean the most to us, smiling so hard my face hurts while staring at the most handsome groom in the world while reading these but times are different now and I would do anything to change that but I cannot. So here I am, in my pajamas, tears streaming down my face that is not covered in beautiful airbrush makeup but is streamed with salty tears. I know it is not as glamorous as I had imagined but here it is my love...

"Today is a day I have dreamed of since I can remember. I never imagined I would be standing here with a boy I met when I was just 15. In 2007 you looked at me and told me what's meant to be will always find a way and that you truly believed that. 5 days later you asked me to be your girlfriend. I should have known then you would some day be standing here with me when you asked permission to kiss me in that hallway of our high school. You and I have grown up together which is something many couples can't say. We have matured together and grown into the people we are today. We have made mistakes along the way as any kids do but at the end of the day we love each other and the love I have for you is something that I know people look for their entire lives and some never find it. It is truly a special and magical thing to be loved completely unconditionally and that is what I believe our love is. I have been blessed to see the man you have grown to be and you are the man I am proud to call my husband. You are the man I have dreamt about since I was a little girl. In our 7.5 years together we have been through sickness, health, death, and births and we have concurred them all, growing closer and stronger through each struggle. You have held my hand, dried many tears, and been there for the good and bad times and there have been many of both in our years together. My love for you grows each day more and more and the memories we are making are ones that will last even after this life is gone. I can't wait to begin a life with you and see all that God has planned for us. I can't wait to begin a family with you and raise children to be the amazing people I know they will be if they take after their daddy. I know God's plans for us are absolutely amazing. Today I promise to always support you, challenge you to become a better man each day, hold you accountable, and most importantly I promise to love you more each day than the day before. I promise to be there for you always and to be your equal as we walk in this life together hand in hand. Our relationship has been an adventure and I can only imagine what God has planned for our future as husband and wife. Whatever it may be I can't wait to begin this new journey with you by my side as husband and wife. I love you Johnathon more than these words could ever express. Thank you for choosing me to be your wife and for choosing me to begin a life with. I love you my handsome husband forever and always."

I love you my handsome angel. Please help my heart today. I feel more heartbroken than ever knowing our special day is not coming today. All I ever wanted to be was your wife. I was so proud to call myself that. In my heart I think I always will be. Hold me close my love and hold my hand today and every day after. I love you more than I could ever put into words and today my words are not easy to put together. All I can say and know is that I love you Johnathon Ortega today and every day after and one day I will be back with you and like my picture says no time is too great or distance too far. You are always in my heart and on my mind until the day when I am back in your arms.

Love always,

Mrs. Britni Ortega 

We Found Love Right Where We Are

I have been holding it together better than I thought I would be this week. I worked some overtime and stayed busy with that to help keep my mind at bay. But here I am, just got home from work and it is hitting me. Tomorrow was supposed to be my wedding day. Today I should be getting a two hour long massage, getting my nails and toes done in just the right shade of pink. I should be wearing the ivory lace dress I bought months ago tonight to our rehearsal. I should be doing all of these things with the biggest smile on my face. Instead I am left here missing you. I know you were missing me too last night. I can't help but smile when I hear one of our songs play throughout the night while I feed babies, rock babies, burp babies. I get so caught up in the million tasks I have that I find myself being stopped in my tracks when I hear Ed Sheeran's voice begin. I am so sorry to ruin this song for anyone but I have to explain. John used to sing the song "Thinking Out Loud" to me in the car, in the house, anytime it came on. It became a ritual. When he passed away it was the first song I played on my phone that morning and 15 minutes later he was gone. I held his hand and sang it to him while he slowly drifted to Heaven. I have never cried so hard in my life than when I sang that song to him, between sobs. I held his hand so tight knowing he would soon be gone and I would be alone. Since that day it seems to come on whenever I am feeling sad. I look at it as a way of knowing he is missing me too. I listen to the lyrics so closely and know in a way John is still singing those words to me.

"And, darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70
And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Well, me - I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am

So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
Maybe we found love right where we are"

 

I can hear him clear as day sometimes. And last night while working I feel like it was played every hour. I would get done doing what I needed to and have a moment and as it always happens I would drift off to thinking about him. Then I would hear the first few notes of that song and I would smile. It is a way of John telling me I am here honey. I am so thankful for that. That song was supposed to be the last song we would play at our wedding. When I made the slideshow for his viewing and funeral I made it the last song to play on the slideshow. For the first few weeks I could not even hear the first 5 words without having to pull over while driving to sob. Now it makes me smile. It is comforting in a way. I feel like John knows when I am getting sad and overwhelmed and he plays it for me.

 

As the wedding day comes within hours I could sit and listen to that song on repeat. What I would give to have him sing it to me one last time. What I would give to have him hold me hand in the car, kissing it between verses. What I would give....I miss you so much my love. More than ever this week and I know more than I probably ever will tomorrow when I wake up as Britni Spellman and go to sleep as that same girl. Tomorrow is the day I have dreamed of since I could probably talk, and it kills me inside to know that day is not coming. I have counted down the months, weeks, days, minutes, and seconds until the moment I am standing beside you at the alter. But tomorrow will just be just that, a dream. A dream of the day that really does all get to happen and a dream of the day when I am finally back beside you. I know you are waiting on me, probably impatiently but you are waiting. I love you sweetie. Please stay close to me today and this weekend. I need you now more than ever. Please hold me close and give me subtle signs you are near. Meet me in my dreams and help me to remember all the amazing memories we made together and to remember that one day we will make more. I love you angel. Always and Forever.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lp-EO5I60KA

 

Waiting...

I have been super busy with work since my last post. Which has been a good thing to keep my mind busy. It is May now. That means the wedding day is quickly approaching. I always thought this week would be filled with manicures, pedicures, hair appointments, makeup trials, and massages. It is now filled with working, sleeping, cooking, cleaning...tasks to keep my mind off May 9th which is quickly approaching. May 9th has been in my mind the happiest date in the world since a very handsome man got down on one knee last January and asked me to stand by his side forever and be his wife. I have been waiting for that day since I was a child. I have been dreaming of it since I was a teenager and finally it had become a reality. My dreams and my reality no longer align. They could not be any more different. I know Johnathon is glad I am staying busy this week. I know he is helping me through each day that comes closer to next Saturday.

I was asked by a friend if they thought I would ever find love again. The answer seems easy to me. I do not think so. That answer seems to offend a lot of people. That answer does not make me sad, surprisingly. I already found love. I found a love that has surpassed all expectations and made it through some of the hardest times. I have a love already. It wasn't lost when John died, it grew stronger. Many people shake their heads and tell me I am so young of course I will find someone one day. I smile and nod and remember that they are entitled to their own opinions. But when I think of my wedding day I still see a tall, dark, and handsome man waiting for me at the end of the aisle and smiling. That man will always be the one I picture at the end of that aisle. Now I sometimes think maybe he is now the man standing outside the gates for me. I hope one day when we are back together he has the same look on his face that he would if he was seeing me for the first time walking down that aisle. I hope he cries, I hope he smiles, I hope he sweeps me off my feet. I spend time wondering what our reunion will be like. The only thing that I can picture is comparing it to walking down that aisle to him on our wedding day. So I may not be walking down that aisle in several days but one day I will walk towards that man and he will be waiting. Sometimes just thinking about that makes this week a little less sad. Of course I know next weekend will be one of the hardest times for me I know one day I will get that wedding I dream of. I always laugh and tell people that John loved keeping me waiting. We dated for 125 years before getting engaged....ok well 6 but still. I have been known to say that I waited that long what more is it to wait for the rest of my lifetime. That man is worth waiting 6 years for, he is worth waiting 60 years for. So I will keep waiting. My heart is taken and I am ok with that. I am ok with being alone because life here is so temporary. John's dad told me that a lifetime here is like 10 seconds in heaven. So once again I got the short end of the stick on this whole waiting thing. But here I am. Waiting. John always told me that I needed to work on my patience, well there he goes again teaching me a lesson. That is so like that man...But I think my patience will be improved through all this. I am blessed. I am lucky. I found the love of my life when I was 15 years old. I spent 7 years of amazing times with him. And one day we will pick up on those 7 years and continue the memories together. Until then, I will wait.

 

Heard this song on the radio the other day and it hit me like it was the first time I had heard it, but I would like to think that is how Johnathon is feeling.

 

"I've read somewhere statistics show
The man's always the first to go
And that makes sense 'cause I know she won't be ready
So when it finally comes my time
And I get to the other side
I'll find myself a bench, if they've got any
I hope she takes her time, 'cause I don't mind
Waitin' on a woman.

 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-C-IbkuNWs

So wait on me sweetie and I will wait until that blissful day when I am back in your arms, hand in hand. I love you my handsome angel. Always.