Time...

I posted a quote the other day and it is posted below. It got me to thinking a lot. With the wedding date now passed I feel like I have a change in my perspective. It involves how I feel about the concept of time. Time to me has been an enemy. It has been an ugly roadblock to me getting back to my love where I belong. Time is something I keep hearing when people talk to me about healing and about grieving. If I hear anyone say "It will take time" one more time I may explode. Still, I smile and nod and say, "Yes that is what they tell me." I have come to the realization that time is not the enemy and that I am becoming my own enemy. Time should be my friend. Time is what will eventually help heal my heart. Time is something that I need to spend doing things that would make Johnathon proud of me, time is what I need to spend doing things that make me happy and make me proud. Time is precious and time is something that we can never get back. Time is something many people take for granted and do not even realize it until circumstances like this occur. Time is for making memories that will get us through hard time. I am so thankful for the time that I did have with Johnathon and I can truly say that we spent it well and made lots of memories that pop up in my mind daily and some days it is those memories that seem to be the only reasons I smile during the day. I have decided to make a turnaround and make time my friend. I am going to live my life in the best ways possible and make every moment count. I will do things I never though I would be able to do. I will go back to school, I will skydive, I will get a tattoo (well that one has already been done..), I will eat salad (this one may be a stretch for anyone who knows me and my eating habits), I will go to the beach more, I will spend more time with my friends and family, I will come out of my shell more. I will do all these things. I am hurting, do not get me wrong. I am hurting more than I am even capable of putting into words. And yes there are times when I hate time more than anything in the entire world. I sit and stare at a clock and wonder why some days pass so slowly, why some days all I can do is sit in the living room, our living room, and stare at the wooden "O" hanging on the wall and feel the tears begin to well up. But being more positive is something I have been trying to do since I lost John. It is something I KNOW for a fact he wanted me to be more of when he was here. I considered myself a realist, he considered me a negative Nancy. It is also the first thing that I wrote in my notebook sitting in his bed with him one week before he was gone. One night I could not sleep so I climbed in next to him and snuggled up with him. I sat and wrote my thoughts and told him I am making a bucket list and doing all the things we had hoped to do together and also things that you have told me you wished I would do. The first thing I wrote was "Be more positive." I can say honestly that will be the hardest one for me to deal with. I am working on it daily but it is one that will need daily practice to keep it going, it is one of those things that will take TIME. It is one that I will constantly struggle with. It is one of those things that makes me smile because I will say something negative and think to myself how much I wish I could hear him tell me "Really Britni? How about we try to see the good in things?" John was like that. He would see the good in almost any situation, he would also see the good in almost any person, even when I thought they had not one cell of goodness in their entire body. He would point out something positive about them just to show me he was right of course. So in all this time that I have ahead of me in this life that positive spirit is one I will strive to attain in his honor. I always wished I could be as carefree as John was. I am very type A for anyone who knows me best. Some may even call it anal retentive, but I prefer type A. Patience is certainly not my virtue and  trust me it was not his either. Maybe that is part of all this. Maybe I am supposed to learn patience, learn positivity, learn things like that from this. I have no clue. That is how I am trying to see things at least. But, in end, what I am hoping most is that time will one day be my friend. It may be a Frenemy for awhile but I will eventually get it to friend status, not best friend I won't push it. But now with all the constant heart breaking dates in the past for a little bit, until the holidays and anniversaries begin to roll in, I feel I am at a place where I can rebuild myself. I can work on me and figuring out who I am as a person. It felt like blow after blow, with my birthday, his birthday, his dad's birthday, our wedding day, etc. all hitting at once. I felt like once I got my head above the waves, here came another one, an even bigger one. Now I feel that I have time to heal. I have these next several months before holidays begin to recover and collect myself, to pick up the pieces and start to build myself back. There will always be cracks in my pieces, cracks that will never fit together the way they used to, but they will fit together someday And yes that dreaded concept of time will help that. I will never be the same girl that I stared at in the Save the Date hung on John's hospital room board, but maybe somehow I can be a better version of her? Now I think to myself and laugh that I will never be that happy girl with the smile. How could I be? The reason I have that smile is no longer here with me? But maybe I will start there with the positive outlook thing. John used to tell me the first things he noticed about me were my eyes and my smile. So honey I will keep working on that smile so you can see it from up there in Heaven my love. So thank you time, I am sorry I have hated you for so long. I hope you forgive me and accept my apology. And John honey I hope this change makes you proud. I know you wanted nothing more than for me to see things through more positive eyes, so here is my beginning. I am starting from the ground up and this remodel of myself will take a lot of time but I will get where I need to be one day. Guide me and lead me as I set forth on this journey and I will take all the time I need. I keep telling myself this is not a race. There is no end goal I am racing to get. No prize at the end. It is a journey and I will take my time getting there.