Build Me Up

You are a reflection of those you circle around you. This can be a good thing or a bad thing. It's in the worst times in your life that you truly learn this. I am at the lowest part of my life currently. I am trying to repair and rebuild. I am starting over essetially. This is a time when I can truly be selfish. I am making decisions based on what I think is right for ME. I am making choices today that will help ME tomorrow. I am trying to find ME. I feel as though I lost myself with John and I know it will be a long porcess but I will find me again. At this point in life I want to surround myself with amazing people, people who build me up, people who encourgae me, people who help me grow, people who understand I am not ok and know how to help even if it is just sitting with me in silence. I need those people in my life now. I was surrounded with some of the most loving and supportive family and friends a person could ask for during the days and weeks John spent in the hopsital. But it is in times like right now where I truly learn who the people are who care for me and truly, without any selfish desires, want to be there for me. It is in the quiet times when I sit in tears at my house that those people text me, call me, check on me. It is on those days that are special to me that people go out of their way to make sure I am not alone, to make sure I smile, that mean the world to me. It is now that the dust has started to settle and I am alone that I am learning who the people are that will be in my future. I vowed to myself to only surround myself with people who will continue to build me up. In all that has happened and as low as I have sunk I cannot be around others who will try to drag me down any further. Life is too short to spend around negative people. Yes, I will be selfish. I think at this point in my life I deserve to be. Emotionally I am not ready to be around people who will try to bring me down. I see myself as a fresh open wound. I am starting to heal but when salt gets in, the sting is even worse than before. I do not need any salt on my wound. I need my wound to be cleanin order to heal. This may be my nurse brain thinking but that is how I see things. I want my life to be clean like my wound. I want to surround myself with people who will help me heal. I want to spend my time going to church, learning in my career, and being around the people who have never left me. I am so thankful for all the support I have received, from family, friends, even strangers. I am truly blessed. A person should never be alone when going through loss and though at times I do feel alone, I can just as easily pick up the phone and hear an encouraging word on the other end of the phone. I am lucky. I cannot imagine going through this alone. But in my starting over I am sure some feelings will be hurt, some friendships ended, some very honest and blunt things said. I am truly sorry for anyone who I have hurt in the process of trying to better myself. But I have learned that the only person who can judge me is God. I do not have to explain myself to anyone but him. I am taking an emotional vacation in sorts from anything or anyone who can vear me off track of my journey to healing. I am focussing on ME. It has been a long time since I have been able to only think about myself. I have literally spent my whole adult life thus far with John. It was always his approval I was seeking and before making any big choices I went to him about them first. I know now this is not the order I should have been going in and that God's approval should have come first. But I now am able to see this. So now I am refocussing my priorities and seeking only God's approval. I will stumble, I will say things I should not, I will make mistakes. But I know at the end of the day God will always be there. It is like those people who were there for me in the shadows and are still standing by my side now. I am so thankful to have a God I can say this about. My father in law always told me not to worry and that I was never alone that God would always be by my side and to be honest I did not feel him always there, until one night he told me to give it all over to him. He gave me peace. That peace is something that changed my life. I sat in a hallway at 2am, tears falling like a river, praying with all the strength I had left in me. He came through. He saved me right in that hallway. The next day I was a different person. I was told by visitors that I seemed different and all I could say was I had gotten my peace and all I hoped for now was that John would get the peace he needed as well. When John passed away that morning I felt absolutely crushed. I laid next to him, hand in hand, tears covering his hospital gown. And I knew he had his peace. He was at peace. He was with God, he was with his mom. That peace is overwhelming. That feeling is something that I think helps me to get through each day. It is what keeps me going. Knowing that he has that peace now is something that helps me to sleep at night without him laying next to me. That peace is something I want to continue to feel. I want to surround myself with those people who will help me sustain that peace. They will not tear me down, or tell me to get over it, they will not tell me to enjoy the single life, they will not be blind to the emotions that I feel or how I express them. They will support me and they will remind me of the peace that John has now, the peace I will one day have also. I can honestly say that those I have chose to surround myself with are those people. I am sure as time goes on some will fade away, when the new-ness wears off and the years go on I am sure I will lose contact with some, but that is life. As long as I continue to reevaluate my relationships keeping in mind God's goals and plans for me as well as the positive atmosphere I am trying to create for myself I think I will be ok. So thank you to everyone who has been there, those who have written cards, letters, emails, text messages, those who dried my tears, those who held my hand, those who helped me get out of bed on the bad days, those who snuggle with me when I am feeling extra down. Thank you. I would not be where I am today without you. Thank you for reminding me I am never alone. I know I have the greatest angel in Heaven but there are some here on Earth who I know are John's way of having angels here on Earth to protect me.

I will get back up. I will not let anyone keep me down. I am starting over, cleansing my palette of all things that will not allow me to grow and to heal. I want to become the best me that I can be. If there is anything that I have learned through all this it is that life is too short. It is too short to not be happy. Though true happiness is something I do not currently know, I can rest assured one day I will find it again.