151 days, 3,624 hours, 217,440 minutes

Today is yet another mile marker. Today marks 5 whole months I have been without you. 5 months of being in this world alone. 5 months of questions, 5 months of struggles, 5 months of a heartache that never stops hurting. I came across an old post on Facebook that I had posted in 2011 of a Jason Aldean song that we loved and it couldn't be more perfect. 

"This might be the heartache that don't stop hurting

It just keeps working on me
It just keeps picking on me
And this might be the tears that keep on falling
They won't stop coming on down
They won't stop raining on down
And baby it's too early to know for certain
But this might be the heartache that don't stop hurting"

Missing you just as much today sweetie as the morning I let go of your hand for the last time. The days pass and some days I still feel like a zombie just walking through this life. I wake up alone in bed when I can't sleep and roll over to your side and the tears just creep out of my eyes. I look around and see all our friends and family getting engaged, married, starting families and it still hits me just as hard. We won't be doing those things together like we always planned. Some days I still don't understand, other days I don't try to, and some days in between I am too angry to care. Every day is a roller coaster of emotions and most days I just want to get off the coaster. Some days I want to curl into my introvert hole and shut the world out. I am trying to have fewer of those days but they still do come. That really hit me this week at my new job orientation when I noticed I was being extra introverted. I thought about it and realized that it was because I was scared. I didn't want anyone to make small talk with me and ask the usual questions of "How old are you? Are you married? Do you have kids?" I don't know how to answer those. I don't think I can handle the looks when I give them my answers. I opened my planner and wrote my schedule and saw the sticker placed on today that read "5 months." I was hoping no one would see it and ask me about it. I've found myself going into a shell. I hope I will eventually be able to open up and share my journey with my new coworkers but I am just not ready yet. I passed by one of your nurses from the ICU yesterday morning on the metro rail. It took everything in me to keep the tears back. I know you made sure she didn't see me to protect me honey. I pass by the hospital where we spent 23 days of our lives each day now on my way to work and I can't even look out the window. 5 months later and the cut is still as deep and painful as day 1. Missing you always my angel. That smile is the last thing I think about when I go to sleep at night and the first thing I wish I could see when I open my eyes in the morning. Trying to find a little more hope as each day passes knowing that you wouldn't want anything less for me. 

I had always thought the hardest thing would be when I was forced to let go of your hand and leave the hospital. I am learning that it is every day after that is harder. Slowly trying to figure out how to live without you by my side. It's a strange concept I haven't had to deal with since before I was 15 years old but each day I try to learn a little more. I love you handsome please stay close to me and continue to show me signs you are still here with me and watching over me always. 

Our Greatest Calling

I came across this quote and couldn't help but sit back and reflect upon what it meant to me. I currently sit here studying for an exam for my new job I had mentioned earlier in the blog. I think to myself how did I get to this place? I have accepted what I have always considered to be my dream job. This could be my calling? This could be Gods greater plan for my life. Once again I will say that I liked my old plan but maybe somehow this one will be better? At this moment in my grief process I highly doubt it but I am relying on God as he has taken me this far already. Approaching the 5 month mark this weekend and it seems like tragedy struck just yesterday. I feel some days I am back in the guest bed of my parents house covered in tears the morning I came back from the hospital for the last time and other days I feel I can see the hope and see the light at the end of this struggle. Some days are good and some days are bad but at the end of each day I try to remind myself that this is Gods will and his plan. I will trust him and know he works for all things good and beautiful. Keeping this quote close to me as I venture off into this new job journey and will remember that this immense pain could just be the beginning of my calling in this life. Just thought I would share a little ray of hope for those who are also struggling with the common question of "what am I supposed to gain from this?" I still try to figure out Gods plan but ultimately I will not know the answer to that what am I supposed to gain question until I am able to meet him face to face. And I pray that when that day comes I will be able to get on my knees and tell him thank you. Until then I will continue to chase the calling he has for me to help make the pain worthwhile.

  

Fireworks

As I lay in my bed tonight on July 4th I see dozens of fireworks lighting up the night sky. I think of all the 4th of July's we spent together and how you knew how much I absolutely loved fireworks. I had always told John how magical I thought they were. He always would laugh at me when my face lit up just watching them. He said I was like a little girl on Christmas watching them. As I lay here tonight with our dogs glued to me,  I wonder to myself if you are watching the fireworks too? It's like when I look outside and see the moon and think of how everyone here sees the very same moon no matter where they are on Earth. Something just makes me think you are up there watching the fireworks with me right now. As much as I wish we were curled up on a blanket watching them light up the sky above us, I can feel that you are watching them with me still from Heaven. You are the firework in my life honey. You brought so much happiness into my life and you truly lit up any room you were in. So tonight honey let's watch the fireworks together. Distance may separate us but at night it's the same sky that we see. So look down on me tonight and let's enjoy the fireworks. Missing you always and forever my love. I love you. 

New beginning

I am proud to announce that I have accepted a new job. I have accepted a nursing job in a level III NICU. It will be extremely challenging and I am so nervous about starting. I have always wanted to work in an environment like that and had planned to one day but always put the plans of being a wife and mom first. Since becoming engaged to John the goals on the forefront of my mind have been being a good wife, growing our family, and raising our children. My goals are very different now and I am still trying to figure out what my goals include. I want to find a purpose for myself again. My purpose is no longer being a wife and creating what I am sure what would have been the most beautiful Ortega babies. I want to find something to set goals for and to grow myself as a person and as a nurse. I want to move from this stagnancy that has become my life. In church we have been doing a series called "unstuck." Some days I feel very stuck in life. I wake up, go to work, come home, there isn't much change day to day. This is my way of getting myself unstuck. I am determined to move forward and create change and a challenge for myself. This is the exact challenge I need for myself. I am beyond excited to begin this new journey. I prayed a lot about this opportunity before accepting. I very much love the people I work with currently and it will be painful to leave them but I know the relationships that I have grown while there will continue outside of work and continue to grow. I am excited for the new challenges and education I will receive. I can now throw myself completely into this new career   This is the time in my life when I can be completely selfish and think about only myself. Since I was 15 almost all my choices involved Johnathon as a factor. Now they still do but in a different way. It isn't how will this choice affect him? Its more of will this make him smile? Will this make him proud? And I think the answer to all of these for this new choice is yes. I know he is proud I am following my dreams and I know he will be there watching me and cheering me on from Heaven. He always was one to continue to push me to achieve all that I could. So honey, I hope you are smiling down on me and I hope I continue to make your proud as I journey through this life and as I take my first steps on this newest journey. So here's to the magic of new beginnings. 

Finally With Your Baby

Today in 2000 a very special woman was taken to the Lord. On this day every year John and I would make ice cream sundaes and celebrate your life. John would share all his favorite memories and I would dream of what our relationship would be like. I would think about if you would have liked my wedding dress. I would wonder if you would like me. I would wonder the kind of meals you would teach me to cook. I would wonder all sorts of things. On this day I would watch John for once become very introverted. I know today this year is very different. This year you are spending today with your baby and he is with his mom. Today you are in his arms instead of only in his heart. Today he is home. As broken as I am it makes the hurt easier to bear knowing that he is with you. There is no one in this world that I would rather have my baby be with than the woman who created him. I know there is no one that could ever take care of him better than you, myself included. As my tears fall I know that John no longer has to have his fall over how much he misses you. I know he is right where he belongs and with a woman who loves him equally as much as I do. Please hold my baby close and know that I am so happy you are back together. I am absolutely crushed that he is not with me, but I know one day we will all be able to meet and we will spend eternity together. Until that day, I will continue to celebrate your life today. I will recall all the memories John shared with me about you and the amazing woman that you are. I will send thanks to you for blessing me with the most incredible gift anyone could ever receive and that is true love. It is a love that I know John learned from you and his dad. It is a love that some search their whole lives for and I was blessed enough to find it at 15 just like you and his dad did. Thank you Evelyn from the bottom of my heart. Enjoy today with your baby. Hold him close, kiss him, and smile. He is home. 15 years you have been away from your baby and now you can spend eternity together.

5 months. 5 long months.

It was 5 months ago today that my world changed forever. 5 months ago at 3:00am I sat in an emergency room waiting room for what would be the beginning of the worst nightmare of my life. 5 months ago at 5:00 am I was sitting in an ambulance flying down 59 to the medical center holding your hand and praying harder than I ever have in my life. It has been 5 months since I have heard your voice, 5 months since I heard you say I love you, 5 months since I have heard your laugh. 5 months since I watched you walk out the front door not knowing that was the last time I would hear your voice and that the next time I would see you, you would be fighting for your life. 5 months of pain and 5 months of hurt. I love you with everything I am my love. I miss you more and more every day. Sometimes I still can't believe this is all real. I love you my handsome. Always and forever.

Father's Day

Well yet another holiday comes this year. Today is Father's Day. Today is a day where I would give John a card "signed" by our puppies (inkpad paw prints) like I do each year and talk about what an amazing puppy daddy he is and how I can't wait to make him a real daddy. The we would have the same argument about how he wanted a boy first and I wanted a girl first. That second part won't be happening. Yet another blow. John sweetie, today I want to thank you. Thank you for being a loving, supportive, compassionate man, a man I know would have been an amazing father to our children (all 4 of them because I know how easy it would be to talk you up from your maximum of 3). Kids just had a way with you and you had a way with them. They were instantly drawn to you. It was one of the many reasons why I fell more and more in love with you. I could sit and watch you play Playstation with my nephew, rock crying babies to sleep, and play with baby dolls with your little cousins. I dreamt of the days when we would have kids of our own. I dreamt of the smile that would be constantly on my face as I would watch you teach them how to ride bikes, play soccer, cheer them on as they took their first steps, and be that dad who takes zillions of pictures of them and posts them on Facebook 20 times a day. I won't lie I still dream of those days but now the bitter reality hits that those things will not be happening. So today sweetie I want to honor you as well. I may not have been able to make you a father but thank you for being the man I dreamt of making one. Thank you for being the kind of man who made me want to grow a family with. Thank you for being the kind of man I would have been proud to tell our kids they reminded me of and not just if they had your charming looks. I love you with everything I am sweetie. I may have only been able to make you a puppy daddy but trust me our pups love you more than anything in this world and miss you more than I could tell you.

 

 

 

 

Today is all about fathers and I hit the jackpot with this one. This man has held my hand, cried with me, held me, hugged me, and dried more tears than I could count. He has been my solid foundation during the most painful and trying time of my life. He has reminded me to never lose my faith despite the challenges life continues to throw at me, he has reminded me that family is forever. This is a man I dreamed my children would grow up to be like. I am forever thankful that God has blessed me with this man and that I am able to call him dad. God knew that I would need a strong and caring man to guide me through times like these and he surely delivered. My dad has been strong for me when I couldn't be strong for myself, when I felt that every ounce of strength I had was cried out. He has done anything humanly possible to make this time as easy as he could for me. This is the man who flew home early from Florida the morning John passed away to lay next to me on the bed as I cried until I literally could not feel pain anymore. He has cried with me and he has cried for me. He has reminded me that it is ok to have pain and it is ok to have emotions. He's reminded me I do not have to be strong every second of every day. He has supported me. Most importantly he has loved me. I am forever grateful as blessed to call him my daddy and daddy I love you more than words could ever describe. You are one of the most special blessings I have in this life. Thank you for helping me grow into the person I am today and thank you for being there for me always. Thank you for showing me what strong men are and what kind of man I need for myself. I saw a lot of John in you and maybe that is why I picked him to spend my life with.

 

 

I have also been blessed to call this man my daddy for almost 8 years now. This man has done much of the same as the daddy who shares me last name with me. He has cried with me, supported me, and been a constant reminder to never my faith even during a time where it is all too easy to throw faith away. He has given me the most precious and sacred gift anyone could ever give a person and that is true love. He raised a man who I love more than life itself and for that no amount of "thank you's" could ever explain how much that means to me. This man has loved me and taken me in as his daughter since day 1 of John and I's relationship. He has considered me another one of his children and has treated me just the same. This man and I have a connection now that I do not have with almost anyone else. We both lost the loves of our lives far too soon in this life. We both know the pain that comes with that loss. He is one person who when they say "I know how you're feeling" they mean exactly that. Daddy O thank you for being an amazing man. Thank you for loving me and supporting me in all my choices. I am beyond blessed to have the privilege to call you my dad. I love you forever and always. Thank you for raising the man who holds my heart. I know many of the things that I love about him are direct characteristics of what you taught him a man should be.

 

 

Fight through the bruises

Someone asked me the other day how I do it? How do I get by and hold it together so well? Well the answer is I don't. Every day is a struggle. This is not just something that one day you wake up and are over it. Each day comes with its own unique challenges and its own set of problems. Some days are easier than others and some days are hardly tolerable. When those days come that are hardly tolerable,  I think to myself that God kept me here for a reason. He has things he wants me to accomplish. He has plans for me. His plan for me is not over. He gave me this life for a reason, for some purpose. It is my goal to find out why. Life is a gift, that could not be any more true. Some take it for granted and some live it for every moment. I want to live mine for every moment. I want to make John proud. I want to make God proud. I want to make myself proud. I want to make my friends and family proud. So do not let me fool you. I do not have it all together...not even close. There are days when the breakdowns come, the tears come, I see something in the grocery store and check out quickly without even finishing my shopping because I can feel the tears swelling up in my eyes, that I burst into tears seeing people's new wedding pictures on Facebook, or seeing baby announcements, seeing proposals, or watching people in relationships that they don't appreciate or aren't being appreciated by their significant other, relationships that you know are not as "happy" as those people make them seem. Those sorts of things somehow have a way of punching me in the stomach harder than a boxer ever could especially those last ones. Those are the sorts of things that make me sit and wonder what our pictures would have looked like? Would we have had a daughter or a son first? I have no problem crying, trust me I have no shame in that, but have learned people look at you like a crazy person if you do it in the grocery store. Darn you ranch dressing and Fruit Roll Ups. I will forever see myself as a broken person. I do not think that will ever change. But I want to be a broken person who fights. I do not want to let brokenness consume me. No I will never be that smiling girl in the Save the Date on my fridge. But going through this will make me someone new, someone stronger than that girl in the picture. My heart will never "heal." I think the word heal does not apply to deaths especially with spouses. I do not think anyone truly heals. I think it is all about finding your new normal and learning to cope with it and fighting to make it through each day as a better person. I will continue to fight. I will try to see each day as a gift and not just another period of 24 hours that I am away from the one person I would give anything to be close to again. I read this picture on Facebook today and it really got me to thinking. 

The Why Game

Just have been thinking so much about my life now. I catch myself wondering how I got to this place? How did all these things happen so quickly? What do I do now? I find myself constantly questioning things. What if? Why? How did this happen? Could I have changed this outcome? Why didn't I take his blood pressure more? Why didn't I nag him more about taking his medications? These questions will sometimes eat at me. I am finally allowing myself to give them all to God. Those questions are not ones for me to ask and they are not ones for me to answer. My plan is not the ultimate plan and I must keep reminding myself of that. I have to learn to accept this fact. Though I catch myself telling God I think his plan sucks and I liked mine way better. This questioning phase of the grieving process I am in is a very difficult one. It wakes me up in the middle of the night. It catches me off guard while mid conversation with someone. I find my mind drifting to these imaginary scenarios in my head. John always told me these imaginary situations that filled my head drove him crazy. I am a worrier. I think that statement may be the understatement of the year. John does not even know the definition of worry. He is one of the most carefree people I have ever been blessed to know. I would constantly come up with these plots in my head of things that could possibly happen (mostly crazy, stupid, bad stuff.) I will blame many of them on watching too much Law and Order SVU. These imaginary plots seem to have come back again. I find myself looking at his prescription bottles and wondering why didn't I keep better track of if he was taking them? Why didn't I buy him one of those awful pill sorters for each day of the week? Why? Why? Why? I have come to hate this word. I am slowly learning to let go of it and replace it with "because I could not have changed the outcome." This was Gods plan and there is no changing his plan. I recently told my father in law this when he began to ask himself the same questions. I told him that I really feel like John's mom must have needed him. I thought I needed him the most but I was wrong. His mom needed to hold him, kiss him, see that smile that I am sure lights up Heaven. I talked to his mom often while at the hospital with John. I would sit in his bed with him late at night and plead with her to please let me keep him here with me. I would beg her please let us begin our future. Please let me become the mother of his children. I remember even trying to bargain with her. As silly as that sounds I was willing to give up anything to keep him here with me. I realized one day how selfish that was of me. I have been blessed with him for 7.5 years. I have built memories that hold me together each day that passes. She had him for 10 years. We are pretty neck and neck in terms of time. I can only imagine how much she has missed him in all that time. I don't blame her. I am having a hard time being away from him for almost 4 months she's been away from him for 15 years. One night I quit bargaining and told her that there is no one in the world I would rather share him with than her. I posted a while back about me talking with my father in law about this moment. I know there is no one that can take care of him better than his mom, not even me. I would have tried hard but I never would have been able to manage to do half as good of a job as she could. I know one day I will be able to have all my questions answered and that day is not today one day I will be able to thank his mom for taking care of him for me for all the time that we will be apart. Until then each day is a constant struggle to not catch myself in playing the "Why" Game. Some days are harder than others and some days I still can't manage to keep it together, but I get through. I've had a lot of people ask me about that lovely word "why?" All I can say is if you are asking yourself that question, give up. Don't let it eat you alive because it easily can. It can easily wear you down and make you become someone you don't want to be. It can consume you. Don't let it. I won't lie some days it does consume me. Some nights when it's quiet and I hear a song he sung on the radio, or when I watch Food Network shows, or when I snuggle with the Build A Bear penguin he got me for our second Christmas together. I find myself wondering why cant you just be here with me? Why can't you be snuggled with me on this couch and talking about all the crazy things they are cooking on Chopped or how bad you want to go to the Steakhouse they are showing on Diners, Drive ins, and Dives? I wonder about all the things we were supposed to do and all the memories we never got the chance to make. It gets to me. The tears come and it takes me a bit. I snuggle into your shirt and then the tears stop. As crazy as it is to say I feel that John can feel when I sad. He sends me small reminders to let me know I will be ok. They are little things but things none the less that remind me he is always still there for me. So I fall apart and then I manage to out myself together. It's a daily thing, sometimes a weekly thing but the "why" seems to start it all. I have a list of goals I have been making in counseling and not using that lovely word is on the top part of my list. Step One: Let go of Why.

Your Smell

Your smell. One of the things that instantly brings me back to cuddling against you on the couch and snuggling up next to you at the movies. It takes me back to the 15 year old girl I was in high school when we first began our love story. I couldn't help but notice how amazing you smelled all the time. I loved being close to you just to take in the scent of your Abercrombie cologne or your Armani Code. That smell somehow has the power to bring me to my knees on some days, on days like today. It can bring me a smile or it can draw out tears. Today it decided to bring out the tears followed by a smile. I find myself clutching your clothes and burying my face in them praying that the smell never fades. I sleep with your t shirt and sweat pants. The same ones you had on the night before you went to the hospital. I had found myself scolding our sweet dog Paisley for laying on your pillow at night with the fear your smell would be replaced with hers. I think she finds comfort in sleeping on your pillow now. I have accepted that maybe that's her way of feeling close to you. Needless to say, she now sleeps on your pillow every night. I have your cologne bottles lined up and will catch myself missing you and going to them and smelling them. Somehow it overwhelms me and makes me feel like you are here with me. They say smells are one of the strongest connections to memories people have and I feel that couldn't be more true. As sad at it is, and I cannot believe I am admitting this, I have your deodorant in our medicine cabinet. I sometimes open it and take in the smell. I remember how you wouldn't go to bed without putting it on. I remember laying with you with my head on your chest and smelling that Old Spice smell from your deodorant as I fell asleep. That is one of the things I miss the most. Being able to lay with you. Even if it was only for a short time because apparently I am like sleeping with a furnace as he said. I miss laying my head on yours and listening to your heartbeat. That memory then takes me back to our last memory of me laying with you and listening to your heart stop beating. What I would give to hear that beating again. I miss feeling it under my hand as I drifted to sleep. I miss you honey. I miss your smell. I miss everything about you. Our guest room closet is filled with your clothes...I could not hold it together enough to keep them in our closet. I am sure I will find myself sitting in there from time to time just smelling your leather jacket, that seems to hold your scent better than anything else. I love you sweetie. I love that I have these things that will forever remind me of you. I have your scent imbedded in my mind. I have you imbedded in my heart.

 

Love sleeping with this shirt. Our four legged son likes to smell it too. He knows it's his daddy's.

 

Our sweet Paisley Grace on your pillow. Can't bring myself to change that pillow case. And honey you know I hate when things don't match...

Build Me Up

You are a reflection of those you circle around you. This can be a good thing or a bad thing. It's in the worst times in your life that you truly learn this. I am at the lowest part of my life currently. I am trying to repair and rebuild. I am starting over essetially. This is a time when I can truly be selfish. I am making decisions based on what I think is right for ME. I am making choices today that will help ME tomorrow. I am trying to find ME. I feel as though I lost myself with John and I know it will be a long porcess but I will find me again. At this point in life I want to surround myself with amazing people, people who build me up, people who encourgae me, people who help me grow, people who understand I am not ok and know how to help even if it is just sitting with me in silence. I need those people in my life now. I was surrounded with some of the most loving and supportive family and friends a person could ask for during the days and weeks John spent in the hopsital. But it is in times like right now where I truly learn who the people are who care for me and truly, without any selfish desires, want to be there for me. It is in the quiet times when I sit in tears at my house that those people text me, call me, check on me. It is on those days that are special to me that people go out of their way to make sure I am not alone, to make sure I smile, that mean the world to me. It is now that the dust has started to settle and I am alone that I am learning who the people are that will be in my future. I vowed to myself to only surround myself with people who will continue to build me up. In all that has happened and as low as I have sunk I cannot be around others who will try to drag me down any further. Life is too short to spend around negative people. Yes, I will be selfish. I think at this point in my life I deserve to be. Emotionally I am not ready to be around people who will try to bring me down. I see myself as a fresh open wound. I am starting to heal but when salt gets in, the sting is even worse than before. I do not need any salt on my wound. I need my wound to be cleanin order to heal. This may be my nurse brain thinking but that is how I see things. I want my life to be clean like my wound. I want to surround myself with people who will help me heal. I want to spend my time going to church, learning in my career, and being around the people who have never left me. I am so thankful for all the support I have received, from family, friends, even strangers. I am truly blessed. A person should never be alone when going through loss and though at times I do feel alone, I can just as easily pick up the phone and hear an encouraging word on the other end of the phone. I am lucky. I cannot imagine going through this alone. But in my starting over I am sure some feelings will be hurt, some friendships ended, some very honest and blunt things said. I am truly sorry for anyone who I have hurt in the process of trying to better myself. But I have learned that the only person who can judge me is God. I do not have to explain myself to anyone but him. I am taking an emotional vacation in sorts from anything or anyone who can vear me off track of my journey to healing. I am focussing on ME. It has been a long time since I have been able to only think about myself. I have literally spent my whole adult life thus far with John. It was always his approval I was seeking and before making any big choices I went to him about them first. I know now this is not the order I should have been going in and that God's approval should have come first. But I now am able to see this. So now I am refocussing my priorities and seeking only God's approval. I will stumble, I will say things I should not, I will make mistakes. But I know at the end of the day God will always be there. It is like those people who were there for me in the shadows and are still standing by my side now. I am so thankful to have a God I can say this about. My father in law always told me not to worry and that I was never alone that God would always be by my side and to be honest I did not feel him always there, until one night he told me to give it all over to him. He gave me peace. That peace is something that changed my life. I sat in a hallway at 2am, tears falling like a river, praying with all the strength I had left in me. He came through. He saved me right in that hallway. The next day I was a different person. I was told by visitors that I seemed different and all I could say was I had gotten my peace and all I hoped for now was that John would get the peace he needed as well. When John passed away that morning I felt absolutely crushed. I laid next to him, hand in hand, tears covering his hospital gown. And I knew he had his peace. He was at peace. He was with God, he was with his mom. That peace is overwhelming. That feeling is something that I think helps me to get through each day. It is what keeps me going. Knowing that he has that peace now is something that helps me to sleep at night without him laying next to me. That peace is something I want to continue to feel. I want to surround myself with those people who will help me sustain that peace. They will not tear me down, or tell me to get over it, they will not tell me to enjoy the single life, they will not be blind to the emotions that I feel or how I express them. They will support me and they will remind me of the peace that John has now, the peace I will one day have also. I can honestly say that those I have chose to surround myself with are those people. I am sure as time goes on some will fade away, when the new-ness wears off and the years go on I am sure I will lose contact with some, but that is life. As long as I continue to reevaluate my relationships keeping in mind God's goals and plans for me as well as the positive atmosphere I am trying to create for myself I think I will be ok. So thank you to everyone who has been there, those who have written cards, letters, emails, text messages, those who dried my tears, those who held my hand, those who helped me get out of bed on the bad days, those who snuggle with me when I am feeling extra down. Thank you. I would not be where I am today without you. Thank you for reminding me I am never alone. I know I have the greatest angel in Heaven but there are some here on Earth who I know are John's way of having angels here on Earth to protect me.

I will get back up. I will not let anyone keep me down. I am starting over, cleansing my palette of all things that will not allow me to grow and to heal. I want to become the best me that I can be. If there is anything that I have learned through all this it is that life is too short. It is too short to not be happy. Though true happiness is something I do not currently know, I can rest assured one day I will find it again.

Saving Amy

Tonight I received a Facebook message that has touched me more can I can possibly explain. It is a song that I feel so connected to. It is absolutely heartbreakingly beautiful. There is really nothing else I can say about it other than to watch the video or read the lyrics. Honey I can only hope that you feel this way about me my love. I dream of the day when you meet me at those gates and wrap me in your arms again. God will save me baby I promise you that. Keep waiting on me my love and I will continue to keep the promise that I made to you 1.5 years ago when I said yes. I will be keeping this song very close to my heart. Thank you so much to the amazing girl who sent this to me. I am eternally grateful.

"Amy's got the letters I wrote
My picture in a frame
She's had a year to let go
She still wears my ring
It hasn't left her finger since the night that I proposed
When I promised her forever before I took her home
But I never made it home that night
A part of her died too
I watched her losing her mind
And there's nothing I can do
Yea sometimes she goes crazy screaming out my name
Saying baby please come and save me
I wish she knew I'd do anything
To kiss the tears right off her face
Tell her everything's ok
Feel her heart beat next to mine
And make up for lost time
Oh but God I know I can't
You can't let her live this way
It's too late for saving me
But there's still hope for saving Amy
Now 3 years have gone by
She's trying to live her life
And I still watch her sometimes
Just to make sure she's alright
She knows I'll always be there
In her heart and in her dreams
Cause God, I promised her forever and that's one promise I intend to keep
To kiss the tears right off her face
Tell her everything's' ok
Feel her heartbeat next to mine
Make up for lost time
Oh but god I know I can't
But you can't let her live this way
It's too late for saving me
But there's still hope for saving Amy
Saving Amy
I'll kiss the tears right off her face
When I walk her through these gates
Feel her heartbeat next to mine
Make up for lost time
God I thank you everyday
For giving a her that ounce of faith
That led her right back here to me
And most of all for saving Amy
Saving Amy
Thank you god for saving Amy."
"Saving Amy" Brantley Gilbert

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wx8VqfOx6fY

3 Months of Heartache

3 months. It has been 3 months since I lost the love of my life and my best friend in the whole world. It has been almost 4 months since I heard you tell me "I love you" which were the last words that you said to me as you left that night after of course insulting my driving. Life seems to be going on for so many other people and yet I feel like mine is standing still. People are moving on and moving forward and I am stuck parked in the same place I was the day I lost you, some days I feel I have moved backwards. I wake up each day, go to work, cook, clean, sleep, and then begin it all over again. I feel like I am just existing each day and getting by. I no longer think about the future as I am just trying to make it through each day. Each day is a struggle and the past few days have been extremely difficult. Things have occurred that have just broken my heart and made me realize that life is truly never going to be the same. I am so blessed to have the most amazing family and friends to be there for me and dry my tears and remind me that it is ok to be sad, it is ok to feel broken, and it is ok to let everything ok. Each day just doesn't feel right without you to tell me good night, to hold my hand in the car, and to kiss my forehead. Missing you always my love. I should be giggling like a school girl when receiving my mail which should now be addressed to Mrs. Britni Ortega. My mail still remains the same Ms. Britni Spellman...I don't know why but that somehow hurts me more than I thought it would. I should be packing for our honeymoon which would have been next weekend. Filling my bag with all my newly monogrammed items featuring my beautiful and proud new last name. Instead I sit and miss your smile and listen to my videos of your laugh. I have been really struggling this weekend my love. Missing you always sweetie pie. As I listen to the rain and thunder outside I know you are missing me too. Love you always angel.

Time...

I posted a quote the other day and it is posted below. It got me to thinking a lot. With the wedding date now passed I feel like I have a change in my perspective. It involves how I feel about the concept of time. Time to me has been an enemy. It has been an ugly roadblock to me getting back to my love where I belong. Time is something I keep hearing when people talk to me about healing and about grieving. If I hear anyone say "It will take time" one more time I may explode. Still, I smile and nod and say, "Yes that is what they tell me." I have come to the realization that time is not the enemy and that I am becoming my own enemy. Time should be my friend. Time is what will eventually help heal my heart. Time is something that I need to spend doing things that would make Johnathon proud of me, time is what I need to spend doing things that make me happy and make me proud. Time is precious and time is something that we can never get back. Time is something many people take for granted and do not even realize it until circumstances like this occur. Time is for making memories that will get us through hard time. I am so thankful for the time that I did have with Johnathon and I can truly say that we spent it well and made lots of memories that pop up in my mind daily and some days it is those memories that seem to be the only reasons I smile during the day. I have decided to make a turnaround and make time my friend. I am going to live my life in the best ways possible and make every moment count. I will do things I never though I would be able to do. I will go back to school, I will skydive, I will get a tattoo (well that one has already been done..), I will eat salad (this one may be a stretch for anyone who knows me and my eating habits), I will go to the beach more, I will spend more time with my friends and family, I will come out of my shell more. I will do all these things. I am hurting, do not get me wrong. I am hurting more than I am even capable of putting into words. And yes there are times when I hate time more than anything in the entire world. I sit and stare at a clock and wonder why some days pass so slowly, why some days all I can do is sit in the living room, our living room, and stare at the wooden "O" hanging on the wall and feel the tears begin to well up. But being more positive is something I have been trying to do since I lost John. It is something I KNOW for a fact he wanted me to be more of when he was here. I considered myself a realist, he considered me a negative Nancy. It is also the first thing that I wrote in my notebook sitting in his bed with him one week before he was gone. One night I could not sleep so I climbed in next to him and snuggled up with him. I sat and wrote my thoughts and told him I am making a bucket list and doing all the things we had hoped to do together and also things that you have told me you wished I would do. The first thing I wrote was "Be more positive." I can say honestly that will be the hardest one for me to deal with. I am working on it daily but it is one that will need daily practice to keep it going, it is one of those things that will take TIME. It is one that I will constantly struggle with. It is one of those things that makes me smile because I will say something negative and think to myself how much I wish I could hear him tell me "Really Britni? How about we try to see the good in things?" John was like that. He would see the good in almost any situation, he would also see the good in almost any person, even when I thought they had not one cell of goodness in their entire body. He would point out something positive about them just to show me he was right of course. So in all this time that I have ahead of me in this life that positive spirit is one I will strive to attain in his honor. I always wished I could be as carefree as John was. I am very type A for anyone who knows me best. Some may even call it anal retentive, but I prefer type A. Patience is certainly not my virtue and  trust me it was not his either. Maybe that is part of all this. Maybe I am supposed to learn patience, learn positivity, learn things like that from this. I have no clue. That is how I am trying to see things at least. But, in end, what I am hoping most is that time will one day be my friend. It may be a Frenemy for awhile but I will eventually get it to friend status, not best friend I won't push it. But now with all the constant heart breaking dates in the past for a little bit, until the holidays and anniversaries begin to roll in, I feel I am at a place where I can rebuild myself. I can work on me and figuring out who I am as a person. It felt like blow after blow, with my birthday, his birthday, his dad's birthday, our wedding day, etc. all hitting at once. I felt like once I got my head above the waves, here came another one, an even bigger one. Now I feel that I have time to heal. I have these next several months before holidays begin to recover and collect myself, to pick up the pieces and start to build myself back. There will always be cracks in my pieces, cracks that will never fit together the way they used to, but they will fit together someday And yes that dreaded concept of time will help that. I will never be the same girl that I stared at in the Save the Date hung on John's hospital room board, but maybe somehow I can be a better version of her? Now I think to myself and laugh that I will never be that happy girl with the smile. How could I be? The reason I have that smile is no longer here with me? But maybe I will start there with the positive outlook thing. John used to tell me the first things he noticed about me were my eyes and my smile. So honey I will keep working on that smile so you can see it from up there in Heaven my love. So thank you time, I am sorry I have hated you for so long. I hope you forgive me and accept my apology. And John honey I hope this change makes you proud. I know you wanted nothing more than for me to see things through more positive eyes, so here is my beginning. I am starting from the ground up and this remodel of myself will take a lot of time but I will get where I need to be one day. Guide me and lead me as I set forth on this journey and I will take all the time I need. I keep telling myself this is not a race. There is no end goal I am racing to get. No prize at the end. It is a journey and I will take my time getting there.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day. Today is a day to celebrate the amazing women who brought us into creation. I will start with my mom. This woman has been there by my side nonstop for the past 4 months. She slept in a waiting room chair for weeks as I slept in Johnathon's room. She worked from a small table in the hospital waiting room to keep her job. She was up all hours of the night to make sure I was ok and to make sure her future son in law was doing alright as well. She was there to dry my eyes on the bad days and celebrate with the good ones, she held my hand, she listened to me as I poured my heart out and expressed the thousands of different emotions I felt daily. She sat beside me as I sat through the funeral of the man who was supposed to not be in a casket in a church but be standing at the end of the aisle of a church waiting for me to become his wife. This woman has helped me become the strong woman I am today. She reminds me daily that I do not have to be superwoman and constantly try to take on the world. She reminds me I am human, I have emotions and I can express them. She reminds me that it is ok to cry and ok to be sad. She encourages me to not put on a fake face and tell people I am ok when I am not. She helps me be the transparent person that I am striving to be. I am beyond thankful for this woman and all that she has given me over the course of my life but especially over the course of the last few months as my world has been completely turned upside down and rocked to its core. She has and will always be a rock in my life. She has provided a firm foundation for which I will build my life. She and my dad took me back into their home after I lost John and reminded me that I was to stay there as long as physically necessary. She is constantly checking on me and making sure I am truly how I say I am. As much as that bugs me sometimes I am thankful that she cares enough to keep up with me and make sure that I am truly doing ok and make sure that I am telling the truth on the days when ok does not even begin to describe how I am feeling. I love you mom. I know you read my blog and hope this makes you smile. Thank you for being you and I am so blessed that God chose you as my mom. As much as we but heads sometimes I am forever thankful for the love and support that you show me daily and the courage you have given me to feel open enough to share my feelings. I love you.

There is another woman I would like to think about today and that is my mother in law. I woke up this morning and thought this is the first Mother's Day in 15 years that John will be spending with his mommy. It has been a long 15 years of separation and I can only imagine the glow on her face and that smile illuminating heaven today as she spends it with her baby boy. For anyone who does not know my sweet honey, he is a total momma's boy. He has her good looks and even better heart. He takes after her in so many ways. I was not blessed enough to meet the woman who created the man of my dreams but knowing him has helped me know her more. She raised the most incredible son and the man I am so proud to call my very own. So today Mama Ortega, kiss my baby, hug my baby, and celebrate this day dedicated to you together. I am so happy that you both are reunited. It hurts me to know he is not here with me but to know he is with his mom and a woman who loves him equally as much as I do gives me so much comfort. Smile today mom and know that one day I will meet you and be able to tell you face to face how thankful I am for your son. You have given me the best gift anyone could receive in life. And that is true and unconditional love. I know he learned how to love from you and his dad and you both are extraordinary people. I cannot wait to hug you and tell you that your son has changed my life, he has changed me, and has helped make me the person I am today. He makes me want to live each day to be a better person. So this Mother's Day enjoy having your baby back with you. I hope you will share him with me when I make it up there. Love you.

 

Today also makes me think of the Mother's Day I will not spend as a mommy to my whole baseball team of Ortega children (or Ortega Boys in Johnathon's prediction.) For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mom. I even went one year to my career day at school and told my class that. Since meeting John we have talked about kids. We have argued about how many and whether we wanted a boy or a girl first, or if we would have twins, and the name argument was ongoing. All I knew was that I wanted to have a family with this amazing man. I wanted our children to call me mommy and I wanted nothing more than to make him a dad. John may have laughed when people would ask us about when we were wanting kids but those who knew him best knew that he would have had a baby the day we got engaged! He was a baby magnet and they all just loved him. He had the cutest glow about him when little ones were around. He was constantly stealing people's babies and holding them, playing football with his little cousins outside, playing video games with our nephew, and just loving on them. I loved to see him in that light. The last year since our engagement we talked about babies all the time. We had names picked out we finally agreed on and knew how we wanted to decorate a nursery. We planned on getting a new car big enough to accommodate a growing family and started preparing ourselves for not being able to go out all the time with friends. I now see all of those dreams gone. I cannot imagine myself having children with anyone else. I have thought about adoption as that is something we did discuss if anything did arise that made it not possible for us to have our own children. It is something I think of for my future for sure. But I will not be an Ortega mom. That really gets to me. One of John's biggest goals in life was to be a dad and one of the dreams I had was to make his dream of a family come true. I will be thankful for the nieces and nephews I have and the love I will be able to give to them and maybe the future for me will hold children that I will adopt one day. As for now I will be here taking care of our four legged Ortega babies and being the best mommy I can be to them.

 

I love you my angel. Kiss your mommy for me and tell her Happy Mother's Day. I know you are wishing mine the same today. I am sure she is missing your big hug and kiss that you always greet her with. Enjoy today my love. I am so happy for you that you are back in your momma's arms. Stay there until I am back with you and maybe she will let you be in my arms again.  

I now pronounce you crushed and heartbroken

Today is the day. Today I wake up as Britni Spellman and go to sleep as the same girl. I do not become an Ortega. I do not hear "You may now kiss the bride." I do not drive off into my happily ever after. But today I still will make vows. I had already began to work on them before you passed away my love. I still promise you all of these things. I am sorry to keep the post so short, but honestly I do not even know what to say or how to express what I am feeling today. So sweetie, here are my vows to you. I wish nothing more than to be standing in the front of a church in a gorgeous gown, in front of the people who mean the most to us, smiling so hard my face hurts while staring at the most handsome groom in the world while reading these but times are different now and I would do anything to change that but I cannot. So here I am, in my pajamas, tears streaming down my face that is not covered in beautiful airbrush makeup but is streamed with salty tears. I know it is not as glamorous as I had imagined but here it is my love...

"Today is a day I have dreamed of since I can remember. I never imagined I would be standing here with a boy I met when I was just 15. In 2007 you looked at me and told me what's meant to be will always find a way and that you truly believed that. 5 days later you asked me to be your girlfriend. I should have known then you would some day be standing here with me when you asked permission to kiss me in that hallway of our high school. You and I have grown up together which is something many couples can't say. We have matured together and grown into the people we are today. We have made mistakes along the way as any kids do but at the end of the day we love each other and the love I have for you is something that I know people look for their entire lives and some never find it. It is truly a special and magical thing to be loved completely unconditionally and that is what I believe our love is. I have been blessed to see the man you have grown to be and you are the man I am proud to call my husband. You are the man I have dreamt about since I was a little girl. In our 7.5 years together we have been through sickness, health, death, and births and we have concurred them all, growing closer and stronger through each struggle. You have held my hand, dried many tears, and been there for the good and bad times and there have been many of both in our years together. My love for you grows each day more and more and the memories we are making are ones that will last even after this life is gone. I can't wait to begin a life with you and see all that God has planned for us. I can't wait to begin a family with you and raise children to be the amazing people I know they will be if they take after their daddy. I know God's plans for us are absolutely amazing. Today I promise to always support you, challenge you to become a better man each day, hold you accountable, and most importantly I promise to love you more each day than the day before. I promise to be there for you always and to be your equal as we walk in this life together hand in hand. Our relationship has been an adventure and I can only imagine what God has planned for our future as husband and wife. Whatever it may be I can't wait to begin this new journey with you by my side as husband and wife. I love you Johnathon more than these words could ever express. Thank you for choosing me to be your wife and for choosing me to begin a life with. I love you my handsome husband forever and always."

I love you my handsome angel. Please help my heart today. I feel more heartbroken than ever knowing our special day is not coming today. All I ever wanted to be was your wife. I was so proud to call myself that. In my heart I think I always will be. Hold me close my love and hold my hand today and every day after. I love you more than I could ever put into words and today my words are not easy to put together. All I can say and know is that I love you Johnathon Ortega today and every day after and one day I will be back with you and like my picture says no time is too great or distance too far. You are always in my heart and on my mind until the day when I am back in your arms.

Love always,

Mrs. Britni Ortega 

We Found Love Right Where We Are

I have been holding it together better than I thought I would be this week. I worked some overtime and stayed busy with that to help keep my mind at bay. But here I am, just got home from work and it is hitting me. Tomorrow was supposed to be my wedding day. Today I should be getting a two hour long massage, getting my nails and toes done in just the right shade of pink. I should be wearing the ivory lace dress I bought months ago tonight to our rehearsal. I should be doing all of these things with the biggest smile on my face. Instead I am left here missing you. I know you were missing me too last night. I can't help but smile when I hear one of our songs play throughout the night while I feed babies, rock babies, burp babies. I get so caught up in the million tasks I have that I find myself being stopped in my tracks when I hear Ed Sheeran's voice begin. I am so sorry to ruin this song for anyone but I have to explain. John used to sing the song "Thinking Out Loud" to me in the car, in the house, anytime it came on. It became a ritual. When he passed away it was the first song I played on my phone that morning and 15 minutes later he was gone. I held his hand and sang it to him while he slowly drifted to Heaven. I have never cried so hard in my life than when I sang that song to him, between sobs. I held his hand so tight knowing he would soon be gone and I would be alone. Since that day it seems to come on whenever I am feeling sad. I look at it as a way of knowing he is missing me too. I listen to the lyrics so closely and know in a way John is still singing those words to me.

"And, darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70
And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Well, me - I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am

So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
Maybe we found love right where we are"

 

I can hear him clear as day sometimes. And last night while working I feel like it was played every hour. I would get done doing what I needed to and have a moment and as it always happens I would drift off to thinking about him. Then I would hear the first few notes of that song and I would smile. It is a way of John telling me I am here honey. I am so thankful for that. That song was supposed to be the last song we would play at our wedding. When I made the slideshow for his viewing and funeral I made it the last song to play on the slideshow. For the first few weeks I could not even hear the first 5 words without having to pull over while driving to sob. Now it makes me smile. It is comforting in a way. I feel like John knows when I am getting sad and overwhelmed and he plays it for me.

 

As the wedding day comes within hours I could sit and listen to that song on repeat. What I would give to have him sing it to me one last time. What I would give to have him hold me hand in the car, kissing it between verses. What I would give....I miss you so much my love. More than ever this week and I know more than I probably ever will tomorrow when I wake up as Britni Spellman and go to sleep as that same girl. Tomorrow is the day I have dreamed of since I could probably talk, and it kills me inside to know that day is not coming. I have counted down the months, weeks, days, minutes, and seconds until the moment I am standing beside you at the alter. But tomorrow will just be just that, a dream. A dream of the day that really does all get to happen and a dream of the day when I am finally back beside you. I know you are waiting on me, probably impatiently but you are waiting. I love you sweetie. Please stay close to me today and this weekend. I need you now more than ever. Please hold me close and give me subtle signs you are near. Meet me in my dreams and help me to remember all the amazing memories we made together and to remember that one day we will make more. I love you angel. Always and Forever.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lp-EO5I60KA

 

Waiting...

I have been super busy with work since my last post. Which has been a good thing to keep my mind busy. It is May now. That means the wedding day is quickly approaching. I always thought this week would be filled with manicures, pedicures, hair appointments, makeup trials, and massages. It is now filled with working, sleeping, cooking, cleaning...tasks to keep my mind off May 9th which is quickly approaching. May 9th has been in my mind the happiest date in the world since a very handsome man got down on one knee last January and asked me to stand by his side forever and be his wife. I have been waiting for that day since I was a child. I have been dreaming of it since I was a teenager and finally it had become a reality. My dreams and my reality no longer align. They could not be any more different. I know Johnathon is glad I am staying busy this week. I know he is helping me through each day that comes closer to next Saturday.

I was asked by a friend if they thought I would ever find love again. The answer seems easy to me. I do not think so. That answer seems to offend a lot of people. That answer does not make me sad, surprisingly. I already found love. I found a love that has surpassed all expectations and made it through some of the hardest times. I have a love already. It wasn't lost when John died, it grew stronger. Many people shake their heads and tell me I am so young of course I will find someone one day. I smile and nod and remember that they are entitled to their own opinions. But when I think of my wedding day I still see a tall, dark, and handsome man waiting for me at the end of the aisle and smiling. That man will always be the one I picture at the end of that aisle. Now I sometimes think maybe he is now the man standing outside the gates for me. I hope one day when we are back together he has the same look on his face that he would if he was seeing me for the first time walking down that aisle. I hope he cries, I hope he smiles, I hope he sweeps me off my feet. I spend time wondering what our reunion will be like. The only thing that I can picture is comparing it to walking down that aisle to him on our wedding day. So I may not be walking down that aisle in several days but one day I will walk towards that man and he will be waiting. Sometimes just thinking about that makes this week a little less sad. Of course I know next weekend will be one of the hardest times for me I know one day I will get that wedding I dream of. I always laugh and tell people that John loved keeping me waiting. We dated for 125 years before getting engaged....ok well 6 but still. I have been known to say that I waited that long what more is it to wait for the rest of my lifetime. That man is worth waiting 6 years for, he is worth waiting 60 years for. So I will keep waiting. My heart is taken and I am ok with that. I am ok with being alone because life here is so temporary. John's dad told me that a lifetime here is like 10 seconds in heaven. So once again I got the short end of the stick on this whole waiting thing. But here I am. Waiting. John always told me that I needed to work on my patience, well there he goes again teaching me a lesson. That is so like that man...But I think my patience will be improved through all this. I am blessed. I am lucky. I found the love of my life when I was 15 years old. I spent 7 years of amazing times with him. And one day we will pick up on those 7 years and continue the memories together. Until then, I will wait.

 

Heard this song on the radio the other day and it hit me like it was the first time I had heard it, but I would like to think that is how Johnathon is feeling.

 

"I've read somewhere statistics show
The man's always the first to go
And that makes sense 'cause I know she won't be ready
So when it finally comes my time
And I get to the other side
I'll find myself a bench, if they've got any
I hope she takes her time, 'cause I don't mind
Waitin' on a woman.

 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-C-IbkuNWs

So wait on me sweetie and I will wait until that blissful day when I am back in your arms, hand in hand. I love you my handsome angel. Always.

This House is not a Home

My love,

I sit here writing this post in the home I once shared with you my love. I sit here on a new king sized mattress that you would have said still wasn't enough bed for the both of us plus our fur babies. I sit here in tears....

Today I moved back into the house I always thought would become our home and the place we started a beautiful family in. Now it is just a house. It is not a home without you in it. It is simply a brick box with windows, rooms, and walls covered in pictures of two smiling people. I do not know the girl in those photos anymore. I am a completely different person now. I would give anything in this world to be that girl in the pictures, that girl with the beaming smile, the one with her hand in the hand of a man who she loves with all her being, the girl with big plans for a future filled with love, children, and dreaming beside a man who stole her heart. But that girl is gone. She disappeared with you when you left. I am now a girl who will forever have scars on her broken heart, a girl who is confused about what her future holds, a girl who sometimes feels lost in a world that all of a sudden seems so large.

I walked into the house tonight and sat on the floor of our bedroom. I looked around and could not help but be filled with emotions. I posted a quote one night when I could not sleep and it states "Missing you comes in waves and tonight I am drowning." I feel like that describes things perfectly tonight. I look around and see a bathroom where our dog would always steal your towel when you were in the shower and I think of all the times I sat in the bed and laughed when you would open the shower door to find your towel gone. I see our kitchen where you would make me pancakes and laugh at the fact that I could not make them to save my life (I would get egg duty...I will have to tell the whole story another time) I look at the front door that I know you will never walk through again. I see that bathroom that I would constantly yell at you for stinking up and not spraying, sorry if that was TMI but it was a topic of frequent conversation in the future Ortega household. I see the 'O' hanging on the wall of our living room reminding me that my last name is not Ortega and that my mail will never say that last name. I see the framed "Ortega Family EST 2015" print on the kitchen cabinet. I see the couch where I would often find you napping, snoring, and wonder what you were dreaming about. I sit in our room. The room that I was in when I got the news that forever changed my life. The call that something was terribly wrong. The room I paced in for hours wondering what could have happened to you and why you were not home. I sit in this room and miss you. I sit in this room and cry. I sit and miss you. I knew coming back to this house would be hard but I feel your presence so strongly here. I can close my eyes and feel you and that is all I need to know I am in the right place.

I remember sitting on the floor outside the ICU and telling my mom to call the realtor and put the house up for sale because there is no way I would ever go back to it. I remember my parents and your dad talking me out of it and telling me not to make any big decisions this quickly and that I needed to take some time and think about it and make it down the road. If I still wanted to sell it one year from then they would not stand in my way and they would let me. I remember thinking to myself how stupid is that? Why in the world would I ever want to go back to the house that I shared with the love of my life? Why would I want to be there without him? But I agreed. That night I went to sleep in the chair I spent 23 endless nights in. Before I fell asleep I prayed that God would reveal to me what he wanted. I prayed that you would help me to see what you wanted me to do. A few days later you left my arms to be in God's. That next day I needed some things from my house as I was going to move in with my parents because honestly I could not be alone. I knew that the first time I went back I would be able to know what I was going to do. I walked in and saw your shoes on the floor of the living room where you kicked them off the last day you were here after coming home from fishing. I saw your t-shirt on the bathroom floor from when you took a shower because I told you that you smelled like fish. I saw your pillow on the bed...and I did something surprising. I smiled. I could feel you here with me. I knew I needed to stay here. I smiled some more and then I saw the pile of wedding invitations I had just finished addressing the day before my world stopped. The smile quickly faded and the tears began to flow. This was more of the emotion I had expected. I cried as I ran my hand over the invitations, the address labels perfectly printed and white rose stamps placed in the corners. I cried as I walked into the guest room filled with things for our wedding, our custom monogram guest book sign, our sign in book for the ceremony filled with the most beautiful engagement pictures of us. I passed our pictures in the hall and saw your smile, and it made me smile. I went back to the house a few times throughout that first week and I smiled a little more each time. I knew I needed to stay. This was our home. This will forever be our home. I sit here typing this through blurred vision as the tears keep falling. I sit in our room and see our dogs snuggled up next to your pillow laying next to me and I smile. I know you can see it too and I know you are smiling too. I was told yesterday by my dad that I cannot be superwoman and was told again tonight by my mom. I am not superwoman. I am a girl trying desperately to get through each day while missing a large piece of myself. I will have nights like this and I will have days filled with similar emotions. I am sad. I won't hide that. I am human. If I had come back here and was not sad I think my parents would have me committed to a psych facility. Heck I may have committed myself! I miss you my love. I miss you every day. I miss you every night. Tonight will be a tough one. It will probably be one of the harder ones I face. But I know you will be here every moment of it. You will be in my dreams and you will be watching over me while I sleep. I love you with all I am honey. I always will. The bed will be lonely without you and I will be sleeping with your shirts and pillow so I can have your smell close to me. Good night my love. Meet you in my dreams really soon.

Love always and forever,
Your bed hog and pancake making failure
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

The view from our bed. That bottom one is your favorite picture that we took. It was a last minute one and it could not be more perfect. That smile in the top one is the one that stole my heart from the start. That smile is the one that my dreams are filled with.